Never say never, because you will be where you should.

"When it comes to life, we spin our own yarn and where we end up is really in fact where we always intended to be" - Julia Glass

I find this quote over whelming.   How powerful is this quote?!

 I was told as some of you have read, i could not have children.  Then...  if i could have them, it would be very difficult. So, i said i would never have them. Married knowing this.   1 very sad loss but 3 children later...i then followed that never up with i would never love any other child as much as mine.

I never wanted to marry.  I didnt want to believe in it.  My own parents marriage had failed and i felt like most teens that they had destroyed my life.
I of course married with all the hopes and dreams of a young bride. Saying of course, i will never do to my children what was heaped upon me.  With all my might and self destruction, divorce was inevitable almost 10 years later.

I and my sibling endured a situation when we were young that we both reacted as adults,  the complete opposite. (text book i am told) Then again, i said: I will never put my children in a situation that would make me react the same as my parent.  Here i can say, different situation and i did react differently.  They came first.  That being said, damage was done.

My Memom (grandmother) had MS.  I was raised and taught by her to care for her and be prepared for her long and agonizing death.  I spent as much time with her as i could in the time that i had and said again... I never would allow anyone to be with her and see her through such pain at the end.  That did not happen.  I had my last beautiful baby and took her to meet my Memom, just after before i could get back.. that beautiful woman i loved so, left this world.  Without me beside her.

I am a complicated and twisted person.  Through in some laughter and sarcasm and as a young adult i was sure i would never find a career that i would be happy in and just accepted i would never settle.  As it turned out, i did not settle.  I had a very long career as a hair dresser that i was very sad to have to retire from too early. It not only catered to each part of me, i was able to take from it so much love and memories from so many angels that sat in my chair.

The way that i have lived my life and the age my own Dad passed i have always said i would never live to see my grand children and it has saddened me.  My son gave me a beautiful grand daughter.

I can go on and on with the Never's in my life.  My point to this is:
I am right where i said i would never be.  With an incredible man who loves me ... just for me. Who not only loves being a dad, wanted many more children.   Who has failed and fallen and understands high expectations.  I am the mother of 3 incredibly strong children.  I love his beautiful daughter very much.  I am the Mimi to a beautiful grand daughter.  I am able to help my step mother through her second time of Cancer, this one will in the end take her from me some day.  Having lost my Dad, this is an honor for me.  I am also able to be beside her mothers bed as much as possible as Hospice cares for her.
You see, in the end (not that i am done of course) I am right where i started or always wanted to be.  A mom, loved unconditionally and that caregiver that Memom taught me to be. Although, i was forced to retire early and then unable to work for a while, I have even found just recently in fact a very flexible job that gives me the luxury of getting out of the house (turns out i am not good at retirement), helping me continue to do all those NEVER'S.

So i challenge you, write those plans in pencil, with a good eraser.

Never say never......

Family, undefined - The biggest adventure babble

 Wow, i have not been able to do this in a long time.  Why?  Well i can think of several real reason's.  Then there are some silly one's, then there those that just smack you in the face.

I was told recently by someone "don't worry, i will never be your burden".  This from the same person that told me "You will lose your children in the life you live in".  Well, i have not lost my babies and a burden you will never be.  Some things we need to except, I will not only never understand this person, but i will continue to love and learn from them.  Redonkulous...but we all have our cross to carry.  Judgement will never be a part of my life, thank goodness.

Anywho,  I reflect.  Adulthood is what we spend recovering from our childhood.  My dad (the stories of his childhood are well less than i will type, lets just say he was a self made man) told me "i do this (whatever it was) for you and expect only one thing in return. Do more/better for you're children".  I offer and have paid for therapy.  There ya go dad.  From the mother of three of the strongest people i know.  Also, the mimi to what will be the strongest grand daughter.  For what you will have to face my toot, never feel alone and always meet that challenge head on.  You're daddy will pay for therapy.

Noodle salad..... Some people actually get that life.  I believe it is because they could not deal with much more.  Some of us are made to be 10 foot tall and bullet proof.  Some of us are not.  Period.  Not our's to choose.  Just how we were created.

I love movies.  I love books and i cherish music.  The last two were gift 's from my mom and dad.  Both, big book and music people.  I love that they gave me that.  The movie thing......  That is me.  In my adolescents i found refuge in books and music.  Although i appeared much an extrovert, i was very much an introvert.  My wit and sarcasm kept people at bay and i have found out later in life ... scared.  Reality can show,  i was actually an introvert.  Once again proving.... Do not judge a book by its size double D breasts.  (another topic for the tortured teen element) Movies, gave me what you would  call today as reality tv.  I could identify with the movie.  How could this be?

I leave this babble while continuing my most challenging journey to date (that includes birth, first two were a bitch).  Inner family (manic depressive/ocd vs. teenagers/college students and grand child) and external family (non blood related for those that care) I can say this of both.  Not giving up.  Sticking NMW, for how long and through it, now around it, under it or over it.  This has been....... The hardest adventure to date.    I cared for my maternal grandmother for years.  I could do anything a nurse could do.  I learned and did whatever she needed.  I was raised to understand it was not only my job but my gift. She made me understand at a young age that life is huge pain in the ass AND it will only get harder.  I learned this and still am.   I made tons of mistakes and have 3 of the greatest kids, in spite of me. I have found the love of my life in a package just as bruised as mine.

Now in retrospect what feels like a 100 years later, i am in a pickle.  Sour all the way around both internal and external.  Given the tools i have needed, thank you God... I will succeed and in that cope with what will be my final adventure.  Family.

blabber dedicated to my babies ... including you my toot.  What all of you will face, you will never face alone.  YOU will have each other.  Never take that for granted.

BAD DAYS

bad day for the witch.  this doesnt require anything to happen.  its just a bad day.  with age i have found that cooking.  being away from others as to not disturb or take out my senseless day on others, sleep, quiet and then i end up back in kitchen.  most of us tend to bake.....i being me (contrary and always complicated) make salads.  So what i have with this day is three different salads,a family that loves the imperfect overwelmed with too much sad reality, a new bottle of wine and God reminding me that in 24 hours.........I will feel so much better.  BE STILL  He said.

$ vs happy for me. . Another God lesson

So those roses were picked from my back yard.  My Very ocd/ar love and cares for our yard with soft kind hands.  You would never know this too look at him.

What you don't know to look at me is this.  I've had money. Made a whole lot of it even Owned a business, I married a man that never knew how not to be above a moderate income, and have lived very well on my own, certainly didn't want for anything. Bought my own roses, sometimes daily.
Now I have also been without a dime.   Been in such a bad way that I had to send my own children away for their financial being. Their Father did not  see that being with their mother was best and help me.  He held them financially hostage. 
My own father being raised very poor dug an early though wealthy grave for himself.   He was an amazing father.  But couldn't make enough money.
I dated a man for a very long time that would rather have money than love.
I stupidly married a second time he then kept my own money from me as a form of abuse and control.
So as you can tell. ..I'm not a fan of money.    These men..... I Didn't even mention a few women that stayed when they should have run or manipulated money to gain what they wanted. 
I find money makes things easier.   Obviously we need it to exist and for health.  I am a fan of living way below my means.  Keeping all that money in savings....Extra $ is fun, well earned and allows extras.  Savings and investments allow for fun later. 
Bottom line in my normal babble....I would rather have these hand picked flowers in a small house where you can't keep a secret long if you tried with cheap wine, paying it forward in drive thru lines and donating when i can then all the monetary items I've ever had.  I refer once again to those first 40 years.  Learn from them.  Love them.  Because happiness. .. is what you make it and how God carves it for you.  These roses. .are mine and free.  What's left in your world that is free?  I love my organized living chaos.
finally!

I'm not crazy, I'm a mom

I'm not crazy. Mentally challenged I'll go with, but not crazy. I have been out numbered by them for years. . Lol.   I  have lots of hats. My favorite is momma.  I want everything for my kids.   Don't we all? I panic,  I freak out,  I get scared and hurt for them and I'm their biggest fan.  They call me controlling. .. I call it momma.  The years are dwindling now.  Soon they will be gone.  All the choices. . Good and bad... What have they learned?  What will they take away from this time we have had together and apart?  I am not their punching bag but I am always here,  even when I'm not.  Jesus is and we both always have yourback.  With out Him,  this momma wouldn't make it through a day and neither will they.  Just babble today. . Back to no sleep and mom's taxi. .. Coffee!

Scars

It is said time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain and in time the mind protecting it's sanity covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessons,  but it is never gone.- Rose Kennedy

Teenage daughters

Martina McBride- Teenage Daughters- Los Angeles, …: http://youtu.be/LbhpAE7GxNM

You don't have to like me.

Check out @broomowner's Tweet: https://twitter.com/broomowner/status/454685373101117440

NO MORE!

I am a divorced for almost 15 years now woman.  I have 3 of the most beautiful children God ever allowed to walk this earth.  I truly believe i was meant to marry their dad because i was told i could not have children.  In that 10 year marraige i was blessed with my babies.

I was the one to file for the divorce after months of post partum i was dealing with beginning the day my last angel was borne.  I was not thinking right.  I was not healthy.  I made some bad decisions with a wrong mind.  In the end i have endured such abuse and accusations both verbal and public from my ex.  He was hurt badly.  I was not happy.  We were not meant to be.  Another sad country song for the books.  

Alas, we were blessed with these babies.  My ex went on to have the life he always wanted.  He became a pilot, was better at his career than anyone.  He was driven and did better than i believe he even thought he could.  In the midst found a wonderful woman and was able to spend 4 years with his daughters and 2 with his son.  Helping me out of a desperate situation after 10 years of raising them alone.

I have put up with every word, hateful spew, hell i even think he might have blamed me for constipation..haha.  This all because ...  a therapist told me once.  I was the only thing he failed.

Now finally after 15 years.....I am able to say NO MORE.  His wife and i always handled things well.  This apparently was causing undue stress for her and i didnt know.  So now, I finally after years of listening to my babies say MOM, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!  DONT LET HIM TALK TO YOU THIS WAY.  I did.  This may not be the right way to handle medical and personal issues for my 15, 16 and almost 21 year old.  But they i believe in their strength are now able to say when a dr's apt is.  When a school even it.  How much an extra curicular event may cost for the other parent to contact someone.  I no longer wish to allow the abuse to continue.  To my babies, i am sorry.  I love you so much and wouldnt take a bullet for you.  But ...  Your daddy loves you.  He can no longer abuse you to get to me.  I am here to guide you, love you and provide any information to help via dr's, coaches etc.  But i declare as of yesterday my boundary with this person has been burnt and listening to this very successful man play victim is no longer my responsibility.  

Again, i pray my babies can forgive me and be proud of me.  I am free and i can finally say NO MORE!

God vs Money; the garage sale

So, we have been talking about this garage sale for months.  Downsizing so that we as a family (all of us whether they want to be family or not) have had to face in order to accomplish caring for our elders and youth.  Our Brian has taken the burden, toll and Grace of a responsibility that is not his as i have.  Resentments, anger, depression and loss have held us both in its hands.  That is not to say that those emotions have been matched by love, compassion, the joy of giving and the gift of being role models to 5 of the best children.  Maybe even some day memories to a grand daughter.

This garage sale was going to be the gift that got us back above water.  Not that we are drowning, but possibly some breathing room to care for all of our babies and my gram and The Nana who is herself battling Cancer.  

Let me share with you what this garage sale ended up giving me personally:

I met a mother that was not able to give Christmas to her children.  she bought a play house i had wanted much more for of course.  She also received anything i could throw in that house as i was able to watch my grand daughter play in it. The side note to this is Brian had a past with this woman if only for a few minutes of pain.  He had hit her dog years ago and it haunted him.  She did not recognize him but God brought her back into our lives long enough to give her babies a late Christmas for the 10.00 she had to spend.  Did i get the $ i thought we needed? NO!  WE could give our babies Christmas and now... two hearts possibly more filled and healed.

I met a mother of a 15 year old that had gotten pregnant and she lost her husband over in order to support her stupid daughter or not ....her daughter keep her daughter.  Clothes i had wanted more than she had all of the sudden were boxed up and given for the $5.00 she was able to spend.  She couldnt believe i was letting baby clothes go so cheap.  I having been there was overwhelmed with love being able to tell her my story and explain that time heals much.  She tried to give me more and i insisted that i was charging all the same.

I met a father that had a little girl who wanted a mickey mouse vhs movie and he only had enough to get her some clothes.  She came up to me and said "miss, i have this ... as she dug in her little pocket.  She showed me four pennies.  What can i get for this so i dont have to ask my dad?"  Having heard them talking i said "thats a lot of money!  if your are willing to buy this hat (one of my daughters with pink trim) i think we could make a deal on a mickey mouse movie."  She shook my hand and walked away with a big smile and announced to her dad " dont worry dad, i bought it.  The lady and i made a deal."  He looked at me with gratitude and again, my heart filled.

Brian sold a refrigerator that we def. could have gotten much more for to a wonderful couple and as tired as i knew he was then proceeded to help them move it.  The wife was so excited to have a bigger freezer.  The same freezer i was complaining about being small.  shame on me.

We sold a couch that was ethan allen and if you know Ethan Allen  it is worth quite a lot.  Knowing this is a garage sale, i knew i would not get what it was worth but i had to try so we could get ahead.    A neighbor we had never met after a dozen people had asked about the couch pulled over and took one look at it.  Asked how much, i told her and she said, "ill be right back."  and she did.  She called her son and once again Brian helped the son carry the couch to their home because his moms car was too small.  When i asked the son if we had interrupted him?  He said "whatever mom wants, i will do"  Again, i did not get what i wanted but her smile and that son... filled my heart.  Watching our B help...unbelievable.

Then there were the people that pulled up in mercedes, big trucks, carrying expensive purses etc... haggling over 2.00 or 5.00.  I realized, i would rather throw it away.  Shame on them.

Near the end of my day i was alone.  I was feeling agitated and hurt because my own son had not shown to help me put some heavy stuff back in the garage.  I was trying to reflect on my day because i had spoken to him and he was having a bad day.  My first response was really???  His version of a bad day was not near mine ever.   I still had to eat, and go to stay with my Gram over night...ugh tired.

So i was moving stuff back into garage.... a car pulled up.  An elderly woman gets out and i said come on... you can just look in the garage.  She was obviously grateful.  She had just gotten off of work and couldnt get there earlier.  She went through and bought pillows, knick knacks, odds and ends that didnt look like her.  So being me i asked "why the assortment?"  none of my business of course yet she answered.  I work at a nursing home.  I buy things and mark them from family members.  You would be surprised how many of these wonderful people never have a visitor.  Oh they pay the bill but are too busy to visit or call.  I was then relieved my son was safe and late.

On top of it all when Brian had to leave to work today thank you Mother Nature for the ice yesterday.  His truck would not start.  Blam.....new battery.  But guess what?  we had it. We had the money to buy one right then.  How many people had i met today that would never be able to do that?

As  i closed the door and locked it i reflected again.  What if my son had been on time?  Who wouldn't have gotten a gift?  How blessed am i that I not only visit my gram but am privileged to help and spend time with her every weekend.  We arent drowning.......we are blessed.  We have so very much. A family (stubborn or not) that we love and can care for.  Items to sell... thats the bottom line.  

What started out a venture to get ahead showed me God was in my front yard all day reminding me ... Dont ask, give.    Give because i can.  Because I have never been hungry, my children have never done without, i am able to care for them and my elders and i am loved by a man that has God in his heart and no one would ever know it.  

In the end we still ended up earning enough to accomplish the goals we wanted for our new home.   Did we earn more?  No, not in money.  In something better, people.  I have always said no one comes in my life by accident.  I stand by that.

God=winning!!!!!!!!!  What a great great day! 

p.s.  i have had $, i have been middle class, i have had too much $.  Ill take right where God has me right now......all day every day.

Theres a nut in my butt!

I havent had much time to blog lately with all that is going on in our life right now. Life happens...right?   Thank Goodness haha

Anywho, i have been missing my tootie  a lot.  Her mommy is very busy i guess and since she is my ringtone when my phone woke me up this morning i thought of a funny story from our trip i thought id share.

Brian, Tj and i all went to a steakhouse that is very loud and has dancing on the tables and toys.  you know somewhere that toot can be well herself.  She was able to peel peanuts and was so excited to show us she could do this on her own.  we had a great time.
On the way home she kept scratching her bottom ( i had noticed she has an infection that was causing her some itchiness that we treated later and her mommy took her to the dr for) anyway, i assumed it was that and i kept saying "toot, stop scratching"  repeatedly.  We made a stop on the way home for a few items and all the while she kept saying "daddy, mimi, B i have a nut in my butt" alas it was met with deaf ears because she was scratching.  Her daddy took her potty, she went.  I took her potty she went.  nada... kept scratching.

We get back to hotel and Tj strips her down to take an oatmeal bath and she comes to our room.  promptly plops on our bed, throws her legs up in the air backwards and yells (she has no indoor voice) "MIMI I HAVE A NUT IN MY BUTT!!!"   and.........she did.

Somehow one had gotten stuck in the crack of her bottom we could not see with her dressed.  She then thanked me, got down from the bed and shook her head as she walked to the bathtub.  I then spent 10 min. apologizing to my angel (a 3 yr old) about my lack of attention to the matter.

I was forgiven.

p.s.  I blamed it on her daddy