BAD DAYS

bad day for the witch.  this doesnt require anything to happen.  its just a bad day.  with age i have found that cooking.  being away from others as to not disturb or take out my senseless day on others, sleep, quiet and then i end up back in kitchen.  most of us tend to bake.....i being me (contrary and always complicated) make salads.  So what i have with this day is three different salads,a family that loves the imperfect overwelmed with too much sad reality, a new bottle of wine and God reminding me that in 24 hours.........I will feel so much better.  BE STILL  He said.

$ vs happy for me. . Another God lesson

So those roses were picked from my back yard.  My Very ocd/ar love and cares for our yard with soft kind hands.  You would never know this too look at him.

What you don't know to look at me is this.  I've had money. Made a whole lot of it even Owned a business, I married a man that never knew how not to be above a moderate income, and have lived very well on my own, certainly didn't want for anything. Bought my own roses, sometimes daily.
Now I have also been without a dime.   Been in such a bad way that I had to send my own children away for their financial being. Their Father did not  see that being with their mother was best and help me.  He held them financially hostage. 
My own father being raised very poor dug an early though wealthy grave for himself.   He was an amazing father.  But couldn't make enough money.
I dated a man for a very long time that would rather have money than love.
I stupidly married a second time he then kept my own money from me as a form of abuse and control.
So as you can tell. ..I'm not a fan of money.    These men..... I Didn't even mention a few women that stayed when they should have run or manipulated money to gain what they wanted. 
I find money makes things easier.   Obviously we need it to exist and for health.  I am a fan of living way below my means.  Keeping all that money in savings....Extra $ is fun, well earned and allows extras.  Savings and investments allow for fun later. 
Bottom line in my normal babble....I would rather have these hand picked flowers in a small house where you can't keep a secret long if you tried with cheap wine, paying it forward in drive thru lines and donating when i can then all the monetary items I've ever had.  I refer once again to those first 40 years.  Learn from them.  Love them.  Because happiness. .. is what you make it and how God carves it for you.  These roses. .are mine and free.  What's left in your world that is free?  I love my organized living chaos.
finally!

I'm not crazy, I'm a mom

I'm not crazy. Mentally challenged I'll go with, but not crazy. I have been out numbered by them for years. . Lol.   I  have lots of hats. My favorite is momma.  I want everything for my kids.   Don't we all? I panic,  I freak out,  I get scared and hurt for them and I'm their biggest fan.  They call me controlling. .. I call it momma.  The years are dwindling now.  Soon they will be gone.  All the choices. . Good and bad... What have they learned?  What will they take away from this time we have had together and apart?  I am not their punching bag but I am always here,  even when I'm not.  Jesus is and we both always have yourback.  With out Him,  this momma wouldn't make it through a day and neither will they.  Just babble today. . Back to no sleep and mom's taxi. .. Coffee!

Scars

It is said time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain and in time the mind protecting it's sanity covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessons,  but it is never gone.- Rose Kennedy

Teenage daughters

Martina McBride- Teenage Daughters- Los Angeles, …: http://youtu.be/LbhpAE7GxNM

You don't have to like me.

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NO MORE!

I am a divorced for almost 15 years now woman.  I have 3 of the most beautiful children God ever allowed to walk this earth.  I truly believe i was meant to marry their dad because i was told i could not have children.  In that 10 year marraige i was blessed with my babies.

I was the one to file for the divorce after months of post partum i was dealing with beginning the day my last angel was borne.  I was not thinking right.  I was not healthy.  I made some bad decisions with a wrong mind.  In the end i have endured such abuse and accusations both verbal and public from my ex.  He was hurt badly.  I was not happy.  We were not meant to be.  Another sad country song for the books.  

Alas, we were blessed with these babies.  My ex went on to have the life he always wanted.  He became a pilot, was better at his career than anyone.  He was driven and did better than i believe he even thought he could.  In the midst found a wonderful woman and was able to spend 4 years with his daughters and 2 with his son.  Helping me out of a desperate situation after 10 years of raising them alone.

I have put up with every word, hateful spew, hell i even think he might have blamed me for constipation..haha.  This all because ...  a therapist told me once.  I was the only thing he failed.

Now finally after 15 years.....I am able to say NO MORE.  His wife and i always handled things well.  This apparently was causing undue stress for her and i didnt know.  So now, I finally after years of listening to my babies say MOM, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!  DONT LET HIM TALK TO YOU THIS WAY.  I did.  This may not be the right way to handle medical and personal issues for my 15, 16 and almost 21 year old.  But they i believe in their strength are now able to say when a dr's apt is.  When a school even it.  How much an extra curicular event may cost for the other parent to contact someone.  I no longer wish to allow the abuse to continue.  To my babies, i am sorry.  I love you so much and wouldnt take a bullet for you.  But ...  Your daddy loves you.  He can no longer abuse you to get to me.  I am here to guide you, love you and provide any information to help via dr's, coaches etc.  But i declare as of yesterday my boundary with this person has been burnt and listening to this very successful man play victim is no longer my responsibility.  

Again, i pray my babies can forgive me and be proud of me.  I am free and i can finally say NO MORE!