love never fails.

Several members of my family have come to me recently after a tantrum or a bad day, a stressful situation etc.. and asked me or told me "Momma/mimi/michelle, how can you love me No Matter What?" Because someone said this or did that or oh, who knows. My response is always the same. I will never leave you, quit on you or stop loving you. No matter what! Here is the answer to my families question of me. God hit me with it right in the face this morning while i was getting stressed over not having enough hours in the day to do all i WANT to for all of them. He said very clearly to me Love never fails, then i turned on the radio and guess what the verse was they were talking about? Then if that wasnt enough... i come home to sit and watch the end of a movie and write out Christmas cards and what are they talking about but the same dang thing. Ok God, i got it and to my babies....... all of you from 5 years old -68 years young. LOVE NEVER FAILS 1Corninthians 13;7-8

p.s. Thank you God for wine......

Memories differ - early morning babble

As it turns out the return on the investments, are still the hugs and kisses and i love you's. Though rare as they get older still takes my breath away. Dont get me wrong, my kiddo's are amazing, gifted, beautiful and oh my strong willed and so dang funny. But lets be honest, this was an investment that is not exactly a financially returned venture. LOL.

On another note, as i sit and listen to my babies when we have family night. All the chatter of my 3 monkeys with my adopted kiddo's or my sprang family. My 3 always catch my ear. The memories they have of the childhood i remember dont seem to match. I guess all those pictures they complained about will be my only proof.

I wonder as i look back when i started realizing my parents were people? My actions directly affected them? That no one could quite put the sting in something said like i could? A child hears a mothers heartbeat first. A heart so full of love that it can in this mother's eyes overcome any pain. But as I aged, i do remember the looks my dad gave me from across a table. The hugs that grew tighter from my mom. The tears that i now know may have been my fault. Retrospect is an interesting place to sit isnt it?

My babies and i have lived a roller coaster and lived to tell the tale. I do not claim to be mother of the year, best cook, a clean freak or a buddy. So as i listen to them and the memories they speak of, i think back and am amazied......it wasnt the survival of my kids that was ever in question. I was out numbered and no one died! When you have more than 2 children or at least in my home it meant i always had 4 to 7 at a time and a big damn car. Some of my favorite memories of the overwhelming 10 year period of time they dont remember at all. Again, thank goodness for pictures because even to me it is a blur sometimes. Parenthood is an endurance contest. I truly believe. I will not quit i know they know this of me and ..i am finally seeing that they wont on each other. I wont always be around. As a mom, that is a fear for me. Aging and dying dont scare me. Not being here for them, that is a fear i understand all to well. Siblings are Gods gifts of a permanent friend for life. Yet, it is what you make it i suppose.

I sit and watch and listen to them. They will always be there for each other. They have each others backs, and although bicker like brats......Watch each other with love or anger......but they are watching out for each other. For that if only that, they will never be alone. So, the memories may differ but the future is secure. The bond they have, is my greatest blessing.

Now getting them all to that place of security and adulthood ........That is a journey we are stil on. Have no fear..........I have survived far worse. I have the pictures hahaha.

I gave you each other

Do better, be better give better .... honor my loving sacrifices that I would do again and again. ... Just to be you're momma. I'm not perfect.  I'm a mess. But you're. .. You're my always.  Never forget that.  You are my breath, my trophies, my loves when you realize I might be human I might bleed and feel. Don't!  Because I have everything.
Been loved by those that needed me when they needed me. Isn't that what I was here for? Each of you.

   You.... I was told would not be born. Then, shouldn't have... what kind of Mother would I be? 
Instead, medicinal people were wrong. My own people were wrong.   You each gave ME life.  For that. ..I expect unconditional love, not to me. . To each other. ... Forgiveness when you think you shouldn't.  Mostly. .. To know when each of you think your alone you're Not dammit! You might think I'm not there. ...I am. Pick up a phone. .. Then the one being called.  Answer!  Nmw always. Teach it,own it, live it.
For those that don't want to feel what you're feeling.  That's OK too.   NMW to each other.
Momma

The I Wants.....

At the age and time of my life today, the needs/wants i have are free.  Isnt that something?  Look backwards friends......now its free?  crazy, right?
I want to be happy.  I want to be present.  I want to enjoy my family. I want to let go.  I want to see all of my babies gradate from college and find something out there they truly love to do and even make a few bucks doing it.  I would love to see a few more of my grand babies born, though if i am only blessed to see one; i am grateful. I want to continue working on my relationship with my savior. (apparently, i do not listen enough, shocker)  I want to wake up and go to sleep next to the same person. I want to work in a vegetable garden and wear silly hats.  Mostly, i want to laugh.  I want to laugh a lot. 

Like few, i enjoy getting older and the lessons i have learned and are now able to teach.  The biggest for me, is how very short it is.  Dont blink.

p.s.  i have not given up on that trip to Italy with my family.  But i have come to realize that looking in my own windows has been a ride of a lifetime and now the joy of my heart.

Parenthood vs teenagers

So, today was a kids win, parents over whelmed day.  I'm not stupid.  I know they are our creations from the environments we raised them in.  But, wow. .. Were we this disrespectful, ungrateful, entitled? 
How about that playing the parents against each other at this age? 
Thank God we can't eat our young (most mammals can) and we love them. 
I never wanted girls because of my own relationship with my mom and hers with her mom.  I was very scared of history.  We have the most beautiful girls.  Now this history?
Maybe we can't hide from it?
Just another day in paradise. .......
Tomorrow is another day.....

Entitlement vs Empowerment

Here's an idea....
Instead of our children growing to feel this sense of quite obvious entitlement, they should instead feel as they begin their journey away from us as parents a sense of Empowerment!

 Blessed that they can stand on their own two feet, lean on one another (all siblings, yes even step...you are a family).  Know that they can kneel and pray for wisdom and guidance!  Have the confidence (not to be confused with cockiness) we, as parent's and God gave them to take risks, fall down, make some mistakes. Because, yes you are kids.  Maybe some of you are even considered young adults or even yes its true...Adults.  Then own those mishaps!  Pray for forgiveness and ask for help.  We are here as you're biggest fans. Watching you grow has and will be our privelidge we were blessed with.  Go out there and become who you are, raise your children with the integrity we so pray we have wanted for each of you.  We do not want a bunch of Thursday's for you.  LIVE, LAUGH and oh....please LOVE! 

Stop thinking the world owes you.  You're parents owe you.  We do not owe you anything.  Most of my generation worked.  Yes, we worked AND went to high school.  We bought our own beat up used car's and fell on our faces, some more than others.  We did not have trust funds, college funds, financial safety nets that we could be so cocky as to think we could just do as we pleased without consequences or those nets having holes we could not see.  Some of us grew up fast and some of us may have taken longer but we grew up.  This generation today... my babies included for some unknown reason to me as they were primarily raised by a single mother that worked, a father that built his own career from grease to top without a college degree and now a paternal father figure that has built his own business in what should have been the worst economy through pure determination and sweat... yet, still even my children believe in this sense of entitlement.  You all want to be treated as adults but then not act like one.  You want to keep that hand out and then snatch it away when you fall down.  Crawl home or into our laps and cry "im just a kid".  

This is not life my love's.  Life is hard, it will kick you and beat you up.  It is as i have always said the largest roller coaster ever.  There will be more downs then ups and God has a sense of humor.  He will throw loops just when you think you are smooth sailing in a direction you are planning.  Write you're plans in pencil always, because He has the pen and that sense of humor He has will be the cross your carry.    

My own dad always told me, "What i have done for you will be nothing compared to what i expect you to do for my grandchildren.  I have done better than i was given and now i expect you to do the same."  He was the greatest, i remember even as an adult about letting me drive to his office, walk straight to him and crawl in his lap.  He would hold me and say "Ok kiddo, you have 5 min.  Cry, tears are never a bad thing.  They cleanse the soul."  After that 5 minutes, sometimes a titch longer her would push me up.  Tell me to wash my face and go face the music.  "He did not raise a quitter and it was no longer his job to fix it."  Oh, what i wouldnt give for 5 minutes again.  

Because here's the kicker kiddo's, we wont always be here to catch your pretty little asses.  We are not raising quitters.  We are giving you the tools to create a beautiful life.  It is up to you to own it.  Stake your claim.  Set you're boundaries and stand your ground.  Create goals and then see them through.  Going around anything will never solve it.  (trust me)

I know i have kept my word to my dad and done more than my parents did for me for my children and will continue to do unconditionally.   I am blessed to have found a partner that shares that style of parenting.  We do not expect anything for that love and financial help or guidance.  We have wiped those butt's, dried those tears, rocked you to sleep and watched the same movies over and over oh and over, reread books, sat or sat down with you until you slept, helped with homework, driven you all over hell and gone and paid for all those redonkulously priced social events, clothes, sporting events and parties.   We have done this because we love you. We love each hair on you're spoiled head. 

Now, go and do better, be better.  Because you know better!  Say thank you, be kind, tell the truth it is always so much easier to remember,  open doors, over-tip, help someone to the car, go and get those degree's, use them wisely.  Give back what you have been given and please please listen more than your speak.  God gave you two ears, only one mouth.

  Remember always, we are you're biggest fans and regardless of what you may think we will always be rooting for you, but we will not always be here.  Life is short.  

I am so very tired of this generation and this sense entitlement i see every day in strangers. I obviously can go on and on about it.  So this is what i know: Entitlement will land you sadly sometimes very alone.  Empowerment, will keep that head held high and your ass able to bounce back.  Character and your word can never be taken from you.  You are responsible for you.  Stop sticking that hand out and start holding some one else's.  Be grateful.  You are alive and everything is in front of you.  The blame game is false and You're parents really do know what you are up to and why.  Contrary to popular belief, we were you're age once.  Lastly, we really do want the very best for you because we love you.

Now, go.. go and grow up.  Pass what you learn to you're own children if you choose to have them, be careful about what you think you know and Call your parents every now and then because regardless:

Never say never, because you will be where you should.

"When it comes to life, we spin our own yarn and where we end up is really in fact where we always intended to be" - Julia Glass

I find this quote over whelming.   How powerful is this quote?!

 I was told as some of you have read, i could not have children.  Then...  if i could have them, it would be very difficult. So, i said i would never have them. Married knowing this.   1 very sad loss but 3 children later...i then followed that never up with i would never love any other child as much as mine.

I never wanted to marry.  I didnt want to believe in it.  My own parents marriage had failed and i felt like most teens that they had destroyed my life.
I of course married with all the hopes and dreams of a young bride. Saying of course, i will never do to my children what was heaped upon me.  With all my might and self destruction, divorce was inevitable almost 10 years later.

I and my sibling endured a situation when we were young that we both reacted as adults,  the complete opposite. (text book i am told) Then again, i said: I will never put my children in a situation that would make me react the same as my parent.  Here i can say, different situation and i did react differently.  They came first.  That being said, damage was done.

My Memom (grandmother) had MS.  I was raised and taught by her to care for her and be prepared for her long and agonizing death.  I spent as much time with her as i could in the time that i had and said again... I never would allow anyone to be with her and see her through such pain at the end.  That did not happen.  I had my last beautiful baby and took her to meet my Memom, just after before i could get back.. that beautiful woman i loved so, left this world.  Without me beside her.

I am a complicated and twisted person.  Through in some laughter and sarcasm and as a young adult i was sure i would never find a career that i would be happy in and just accepted i would never settle.  As it turned out, i did not settle.  I had a very long career as a hair dresser that i was very sad to have to retire from too early. It not only catered to each part of me, i was able to take from it so much love and memories from so many angels that sat in my chair.

The way that i have lived my life and the age my own Dad passed i have always said i would never live to see my grand children and it has saddened me.  My son gave me a beautiful grand daughter.

I can go on and on with the Never's in my life.  My point to this is:
I am right where i said i would never be.  With an incredible man who loves me ... just for me. Who not only loves being a dad, wanted many more children.   Who has failed and fallen and understands high expectations.  I am the mother of 3 incredibly strong children.  I love his beautiful daughter very much.  I am the Mimi to a beautiful grand daughter.  I am able to help my step mother through her second time of Cancer, this one will in the end take her from me some day.  Having lost my Dad, this is an honor for me.  I am also able to be beside her mothers bed as much as possible as Hospice cares for her.
You see, in the end (not that i am done of course) I am right where i started or always wanted to be.  A mom, loved unconditionally and that caregiver that Memom taught me to be. Although, i was forced to retire early and then unable to work for a while, I have even found just recently in fact a very flexible job that gives me the luxury of getting out of the house (turns out i am not good at retirement), helping me continue to do all those NEVER'S.

So i challenge you, write those plans in pencil, with a good eraser.

Never say never......

Family, undefined - The biggest adventure babble

 Wow, i have not been able to do this in a long time.  Why?  Well i can think of several real reason's.  Then there are some silly one's, then there those that just smack you in the face.

I was told recently by someone "don't worry, i will never be your burden".  This from the same person that told me "You will lose your children in the life you live in".  Well, i have not lost my babies and a burden you will never be.  Some things we need to except, I will not only never understand this person, but i will continue to love and learn from them.  Redonkulous...but we all have our cross to carry.  Judgement will never be a part of my life, thank goodness.

Anywho,  I reflect.  Adulthood is what we spend recovering from our childhood.  My dad (the stories of his childhood are well less than i will type, lets just say he was a self made man) told me "i do this (whatever it was) for you and expect only one thing in return. Do more/better for you're children".  I offer and have paid for therapy.  There ya go dad.  From the mother of three of the strongest people i know.  Also, the mimi to what will be the strongest grand daughter.  For what you will have to face my toot, never feel alone and always meet that challenge head on.  You're daddy will pay for therapy.

Noodle salad..... Some people actually get that life.  I believe it is because they could not deal with much more.  Some of us are made to be 10 foot tall and bullet proof.  Some of us are not.  Period.  Not our's to choose.  Just how we were created.

I love movies.  I love books and i cherish music.  The last two were gift 's from my mom and dad.  Both, big book and music people.  I love that they gave me that.  The movie thing......  That is me.  In my adolescents i found refuge in books and music.  Although i appeared much an extrovert, i was very much an introvert.  My wit and sarcasm kept people at bay and i have found out later in life ... scared.  Reality can show,  i was actually an introvert.  Once again proving.... Do not judge a book by its size double D breasts.  (another topic for the tortured teen element) Movies, gave me what you would  call today as reality tv.  I could identify with the movie.  How could this be?

I leave this babble while continuing my most challenging journey to date (that includes birth, first two were a bitch).  Inner family (manic depressive/ocd vs. teenagers/college students and grand child) and external family (non blood related for those that care) I can say this of both.  Not giving up.  Sticking NMW, for how long and through it, now around it, under it or over it.  This has been....... The hardest adventure to date.    I cared for my maternal grandmother for years.  I could do anything a nurse could do.  I learned and did whatever she needed.  I was raised to understand it was not only my job but my gift. She made me understand at a young age that life is huge pain in the ass AND it will only get harder.  I learned this and still am.   I made tons of mistakes and have 3 of the greatest kids, in spite of me. I have found the love of my life in a package just as bruised as mine.

Now in retrospect what feels like a 100 years later, i am in a pickle.  Sour all the way around both internal and external.  Given the tools i have needed, thank you God... I will succeed and in that cope with what will be my final adventure.  Family.

blabber dedicated to my babies ... including you my toot.  What all of you will face, you will never face alone.  YOU will have each other.  Never take that for granted.

BAD DAYS

bad day for the witch.  this doesnt require anything to happen.  its just a bad day.  with age i have found that cooking.  being away from others as to not disturb or take out my senseless day on others, sleep, quiet and then i end up back in kitchen.  most of us tend to bake.....i being me (contrary and always complicated) make salads.  So what i have with this day is three different salads,a family that loves the imperfect overwelmed with too much sad reality, a new bottle of wine and God reminding me that in 24 hours.........I will feel so much better.  BE STILL  He said.

$ vs happy for me. . Another God lesson

So those roses were picked from my back yard.  My Very ocd/ar love and cares for our yard with soft kind hands.  You would never know this too look at him.

What you don't know to look at me is this.  I've had money. Made a whole lot of it even Owned a business, I married a man that never knew how not to be above a moderate income, and have lived very well on my own, certainly didn't want for anything. Bought my own roses, sometimes daily.
Now I have also been without a dime.   Been in such a bad way that I had to send my own children away for their financial being. Their Father did not  see that being with their mother was best and help me.  He held them financially hostage. 
My own father being raised very poor dug an early though wealthy grave for himself.   He was an amazing father.  But couldn't make enough money.
I dated a man for a very long time that would rather have money than love.
I stupidly married a second time he then kept my own money from me as a form of abuse and control.
So as you can tell. ..I'm not a fan of money.    These men..... I Didn't even mention a few women that stayed when they should have run or manipulated money to gain what they wanted. 
I find money makes things easier.   Obviously we need it to exist and for health.  I am a fan of living way below my means.  Keeping all that money in savings....Extra $ is fun, well earned and allows extras.  Savings and investments allow for fun later. 
Bottom line in my normal babble....I would rather have these hand picked flowers in a small house where you can't keep a secret long if you tried with cheap wine, paying it forward in drive thru lines and donating when i can then all the monetary items I've ever had.  I refer once again to those first 40 years.  Learn from them.  Love them.  Because happiness. .. is what you make it and how God carves it for you.  These roses. .are mine and free.  What's left in your world that is free?  I love my organized living chaos.
finally!

I'm not crazy, I'm a mom

I'm not crazy. Mentally challenged I'll go with, but not crazy. I have been out numbered by them for years. . Lol.   I  have lots of hats. My favorite is momma.  I want everything for my kids.   Don't we all? I panic,  I freak out,  I get scared and hurt for them and I'm their biggest fan.  They call me controlling. .. I call it momma.  The years are dwindling now.  Soon they will be gone.  All the choices. . Good and bad... What have they learned?  What will they take away from this time we have had together and apart?  I am not their punching bag but I am always here,  even when I'm not.  Jesus is and we both always have yourback.  With out Him,  this momma wouldn't make it through a day and neither will they.  Just babble today. . Back to no sleep and mom's taxi. .. Coffee!

Scars

It is said time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain and in time the mind protecting it's sanity covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessons,  but it is never gone.- Rose Kennedy

Teenage daughters

Martina McBride- Teenage Daughters- Los Angeles, …: http://youtu.be/LbhpAE7GxNM

You don't have to like me.

Check out @broomowner's Tweet: https://twitter.com/broomowner/status/454685373101117440

NO MORE!

I am a divorced for almost 15 years now woman.  I have 3 of the most beautiful children God ever allowed to walk this earth.  I truly believe i was meant to marry their dad because i was told i could not have children.  In that 10 year marraige i was blessed with my babies.

I was the one to file for the divorce after months of post partum i was dealing with beginning the day my last angel was borne.  I was not thinking right.  I was not healthy.  I made some bad decisions with a wrong mind.  In the end i have endured such abuse and accusations both verbal and public from my ex.  He was hurt badly.  I was not happy.  We were not meant to be.  Another sad country song for the books.  

Alas, we were blessed with these babies.  My ex went on to have the life he always wanted.  He became a pilot, was better at his career than anyone.  He was driven and did better than i believe he even thought he could.  In the midst found a wonderful woman and was able to spend 4 years with his daughters and 2 with his son.  Helping me out of a desperate situation after 10 years of raising them alone.

I have put up with every word, hateful spew, hell i even think he might have blamed me for constipation..haha.  This all because ...  a therapist told me once.  I was the only thing he failed.

Now finally after 15 years.....I am able to say NO MORE.  His wife and i always handled things well.  This apparently was causing undue stress for her and i didnt know.  So now, I finally after years of listening to my babies say MOM, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!  DONT LET HIM TALK TO YOU THIS WAY.  I did.  This may not be the right way to handle medical and personal issues for my 15, 16 and almost 21 year old.  But they i believe in their strength are now able to say when a dr's apt is.  When a school even it.  How much an extra curicular event may cost for the other parent to contact someone.  I no longer wish to allow the abuse to continue.  To my babies, i am sorry.  I love you so much and wouldnt take a bullet for you.  But ...  Your daddy loves you.  He can no longer abuse you to get to me.  I am here to guide you, love you and provide any information to help via dr's, coaches etc.  But i declare as of yesterday my boundary with this person has been burnt and listening to this very successful man play victim is no longer my responsibility.  

Again, i pray my babies can forgive me and be proud of me.  I am free and i can finally say NO MORE!

God vs Money; the garage sale

So, we have been talking about this garage sale for months.  Downsizing so that we as a family (all of us whether they want to be family or not) have had to face in order to accomplish caring for our elders and youth.  Our Brian has taken the burden, toll and Grace of a responsibility that is not his as i have.  Resentments, anger, depression and loss have held us both in its hands.  That is not to say that those emotions have been matched by love, compassion, the joy of giving and the gift of being role models to 5 of the best children.  Maybe even some day memories to a grand daughter.

This garage sale was going to be the gift that got us back above water.  Not that we are drowning, but possibly some breathing room to care for all of our babies and my gram and The Nana who is herself battling Cancer.  

Let me share with you what this garage sale ended up giving me personally:

I met a mother that was not able to give Christmas to her children.  she bought a play house i had wanted much more for of course.  She also received anything i could throw in that house as i was able to watch my grand daughter play in it. The side note to this is Brian had a past with this woman if only for a few minutes of pain.  He had hit her dog years ago and it haunted him.  She did not recognize him but God brought her back into our lives long enough to give her babies a late Christmas for the 10.00 she had to spend.  Did i get the $ i thought we needed? NO!  WE could give our babies Christmas and now... two hearts possibly more filled and healed.

I met a mother of a 15 year old that had gotten pregnant and she lost her husband over in order to support her stupid daughter or not ....her daughter keep her daughter.  Clothes i had wanted more than she had all of the sudden were boxed up and given for the $5.00 she was able to spend.  She couldnt believe i was letting baby clothes go so cheap.  I having been there was overwhelmed with love being able to tell her my story and explain that time heals much.  She tried to give me more and i insisted that i was charging all the same.

I met a father that had a little girl who wanted a mickey mouse vhs movie and he only had enough to get her some clothes.  She came up to me and said "miss, i have this ... as she dug in her little pocket.  She showed me four pennies.  What can i get for this so i dont have to ask my dad?"  Having heard them talking i said "thats a lot of money!  if your are willing to buy this hat (one of my daughters with pink trim) i think we could make a deal on a mickey mouse movie."  She shook my hand and walked away with a big smile and announced to her dad " dont worry dad, i bought it.  The lady and i made a deal."  He looked at me with gratitude and again, my heart filled.

Brian sold a refrigerator that we def. could have gotten much more for to a wonderful couple and as tired as i knew he was then proceeded to help them move it.  The wife was so excited to have a bigger freezer.  The same freezer i was complaining about being small.  shame on me.

We sold a couch that was ethan allen and if you know Ethan Allen  it is worth quite a lot.  Knowing this is a garage sale, i knew i would not get what it was worth but i had to try so we could get ahead.    A neighbor we had never met after a dozen people had asked about the couch pulled over and took one look at it.  Asked how much, i told her and she said, "ill be right back."  and she did.  She called her son and once again Brian helped the son carry the couch to their home because his moms car was too small.  When i asked the son if we had interrupted him?  He said "whatever mom wants, i will do"  Again, i did not get what i wanted but her smile and that son... filled my heart.  Watching our B help...unbelievable.

Then there were the people that pulled up in mercedes, big trucks, carrying expensive purses etc... haggling over 2.00 or 5.00.  I realized, i would rather throw it away.  Shame on them.

Near the end of my day i was alone.  I was feeling agitated and hurt because my own son had not shown to help me put some heavy stuff back in the garage.  I was trying to reflect on my day because i had spoken to him and he was having a bad day.  My first response was really???  His version of a bad day was not near mine ever.   I still had to eat, and go to stay with my Gram over night...ugh tired.

So i was moving stuff back into garage.... a car pulled up.  An elderly woman gets out and i said come on... you can just look in the garage.  She was obviously grateful.  She had just gotten off of work and couldnt get there earlier.  She went through and bought pillows, knick knacks, odds and ends that didnt look like her.  So being me i asked "why the assortment?"  none of my business of course yet she answered.  I work at a nursing home.  I buy things and mark them from family members.  You would be surprised how many of these wonderful people never have a visitor.  Oh they pay the bill but are too busy to visit or call.  I was then relieved my son was safe and late.

On top of it all when Brian had to leave to work today thank you Mother Nature for the ice yesterday.  His truck would not start.  Blam.....new battery.  But guess what?  we had it. We had the money to buy one right then.  How many people had i met today that would never be able to do that?

As  i closed the door and locked it i reflected again.  What if my son had been on time?  Who wouldn't have gotten a gift?  How blessed am i that I not only visit my gram but am privileged to help and spend time with her every weekend.  We arent drowning.......we are blessed.  We have so very much. A family (stubborn or not) that we love and can care for.  Items to sell... thats the bottom line.  

What started out a venture to get ahead showed me God was in my front yard all day reminding me ... Dont ask, give.    Give because i can.  Because I have never been hungry, my children have never done without, i am able to care for them and my elders and i am loved by a man that has God in his heart and no one would ever know it.  

In the end we still ended up earning enough to accomplish the goals we wanted for our new home.   Did we earn more?  No, not in money.  In something better, people.  I have always said no one comes in my life by accident.  I stand by that.

God=winning!!!!!!!!!  What a great great day! 

p.s.  i have had $, i have been middle class, i have had too much $.  Ill take right where God has me right now......all day every day.

Theres a nut in my butt!

I havent had much time to blog lately with all that is going on in our life right now. Life happens...right?   Thank Goodness haha

Anywho, i have been missing my tootie  a lot.  Her mommy is very busy i guess and since she is my ringtone when my phone woke me up this morning i thought of a funny story from our trip i thought id share.

Brian, Tj and i all went to a steakhouse that is very loud and has dancing on the tables and toys.  you know somewhere that toot can be well herself.  She was able to peel peanuts and was so excited to show us she could do this on her own.  we had a great time.
On the way home she kept scratching her bottom ( i had noticed she has an infection that was causing her some itchiness that we treated later and her mommy took her to the dr for) anyway, i assumed it was that and i kept saying "toot, stop scratching"  repeatedly.  We made a stop on the way home for a few items and all the while she kept saying "daddy, mimi, B i have a nut in my butt" alas it was met with deaf ears because she was scratching.  Her daddy took her potty, she went.  I took her potty she went.  nada... kept scratching.

We get back to hotel and Tj strips her down to take an oatmeal bath and she comes to our room.  promptly plops on our bed, throws her legs up in the air backwards and yells (she has no indoor voice) "MIMI I HAVE A NUT IN MY BUTT!!!"   and.........she did.

Somehow one had gotten stuck in the crack of her bottom we could not see with her dressed.  She then thanked me, got down from the bed and shook her head as she walked to the bathtub.  I then spent 10 min. apologizing to my angel (a 3 yr old) about my lack of attention to the matter.

I was forgiven.

p.s.  I blamed it on her daddy

"....." you know your a parent!

If your child does not acknowledge your a human... you know your a parent

If you can no longer find your floor... you know your a parent

If you're vehicle is now a traveling taxi/closet/fridge...you know your a parent

when you cant remember the last time you slept more than 4 straight hours..you know your a parent

when you look in your wallet and know that you had cash in there...  you know your a parent

when your children dress better than you do.... you know your a parent

if you hear at least once a week "i hate you" or "you just dont understand"... you know your a parent

when NOTHING is the answer to all questions..... you know your a parent

When you realize that raising these children is an endurance contest ... you know your a parent

when you look at your spouse and cant remember the last time you were intimate...  you know your a parent

when eating out doesnt include ketchup or fries and your happy about it... you know your a parent

when you pick up a pacifier, lick it and stick it back in your childs mouth... you know your the parent of more than two kids

when looking forward to being bored is on your bucket list..... you know your a parent.

when you realize nothing in the house is actually yours anymore... you know your a parent

when using all three of their names is required (and a raised eyebrow) ....you know your a parent

when having all of your kids under one roof both scares you and brings you peace... you know your a parent.

when the FBI, CIA and the local authorities have nothing on you out thinking your child...you know your a parent

When the thought of you're child hurt makes you realize jail does not scare you.... you know your a parent

If you have been peed on, pooped on, thrown up on and told NO or WHY? ....  you know your a parent.

When Christmas brings on fear... you know your a parent

When GPS is your best friend because your child would NEVER lie... you know your a parent

when hiding from your children just to be alone is normal.....you know your a parent

when medicating yourself vs medicating your children is ok...you know your a parent

when on an airplane and everyone compliments you on how great and quiet (ty benedryl) your child is.....you know your a parent.

When you realize Zombies are real, they are teenagers... you know your a parent

When you are positive you had cash that morning and you run for milk..no cash....you know your a parent

when you reach across and cut up your spouses meat ... you know your a parent

when social drinking is on your back patio....you know your a parent

When making a decision and your very breath no longer is just for you...you know your a parent

when you cant remember how you ever lived before that alien(s) you now love, prayed for and were blessed with moved into your life...you know your a parent.

i can go on and on....  Im no redneck, but i am and will always be a parent. Even on the days i wish i could eat my young.......its my favorite thing to be.

Winter even in Texas

I just love this time of year.  In my words:  Cover the fluff sweaters, my boots dusted off, winter coat growing on my legs (yes i said it) , favorite jeans,  chili or stews in the crock pot, no more sweating for my love and watching my kids and animals whiskers and hair in the wind.  Even in Texas this is my favorite time of the year!!

The calm before the chemo chaos

RAMBLINGS & BABBLE

This is not our first battle with cancer as a family.  We have three more.  Two still surviving.  One in heaven i know helping us to fight this time once again.  I have always said i have been surrounded by strong, stubborn women my entire life.  The first battle of breast cancer my step mom beat thanks to family and my Dad.  Now.....facing a new cancer i know more than ever my B is in my life for the same reason.  To support me in my support of one strong stubborn woman.  My step mom! Every time i think back and wonder how in the hell did we end up together?  God answers me once again....you are where you are meant to be exactly in the moment you were supposed to be there.  This man was made just for me from Him.  How blessed am i?  Its surreal (sp?)

The last 6-8 weeks have been challenging to say the least, but what is coming......That is what Girl power is.  This week we do not have one Dr. appointment (for donna).   Just a calm week for Donna.  preparing for  the tests to come and then the horrific poison that will enter her in order to rid herself (only to maintain) temporarily of such an ugly cancer.  My gram is still with us and at almost 91 still living at Donna's and has 24 hour care.  I am not working at this time due to kids, donna, gram, moving, etc..... the list never stops.  Who is going to hire someone that say "oh and um, i need off every other week twice a week and anytime someone craps out on her or  my girls"  LOL  um not.

I look at the women that have come and some even gone from my life, then i look at my daughters look at their Nana (donna).  I know, they will also be strong in their convictions.  I watch them help and understand what is going on as they watch..me, her, B and our family come together in what will only end someday sooner than we had hoped.  But...i know the Devine presence here is He has us to come together.

I look at her handle all she is facing.....in awe.  What do i have to complain about?  I could not be more blessed.  Every time i have a shitty day now.  Every time i get down or over whelmed.  Is it relative?  sure.  Are we struggling? Hell yes.  Am i healthy and loved and have my family that now includes that incredible (and also stubborn) man of mine?  Hell yes!  Am i able to somehow so far.....help her after all she has done for me?  Yes.    Devine Presence i thank You so much as i continue to just try....

I say more than ever, make me laugh.  show me a sunrise or sunset.  With every set of tears i make sure they are followed by laughter.  It has too......crying only makes our eyes swollen, nose red and like my Memom said basically look like crap.  Laughter through tears....Prayer through fear.

Yes, this week i will be washing all the big girl panties.  Charging my broom and preparing to defy gravity once again with this woman i love so much.  People ask me constantly.......How do you keep going?  my answer is always the same.  Where is the choice?  That......was taught to me.

I wear a bracelet as several of us do in my family.  It was given to me after my Dad died.  You may recognize its scripture.  "For God so loved  this world that he gave his only begotten Son, that who so ever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." I never take it off, it keeps my Dad and my Father close.  

This too shall pass..............breathe.   inhale......exhale......repeat.  Cherish what surrounds you and dont blink.