I love the moon! It never fails me

The moon doesn't have any emotions. It could possibly be the most perfect dependable item ever created...other than coffee of course

Get out of my head!!! Its crowded enough in there

Goal for the week:  Stop the chatter in my head!  1/2 of it is not truth and the other half doesnt matter.  Devil be gone!!! Only good, truth (even painful but pure) and what is real based on faith will be allowed in.  Lets see how this goes.  (so far......ugh but I can do anything i set my mind too with God and this strong willed mouthy family.  prayers prayers prayers)  I will not set myself up for failure.  The bad things repeated to us day in and day out or how about year in and year out? They are easier to believe.
Thank you Unglued...i will not become unglued today! I am no longer self destructive or create the bad things in my life.  Years of hard work to control this mouth, my reactions vs responses (the smart ass..not that is a family trait.  cant fix that.  its all Jim, thank you daddy) and now the chatter is wanting to return?  um NO! Be gone.  Back to some simple questions i ponder when this can happen:
 1. Did someone actually say this thought i am having or am i making assumptions about what they might be THINKING?
 2. Am i immersing myself in truth or what i believe to be true?
 3. Are there situations or relationships (friend or family) that feed my insecurities?
 4. Does the person i am allowing to banter in my head know me? Did i ask for was i asked to process this with them?
 5.  Does it matter????

ex:  I am a bad mom.  I am not learning my job fast enough, i do not keep a clean enough house. i should not allow my children to speak freely.  I should be married.  I dont do enough for my tootie.  I am fat.  I am too opinionated.
Do you do these things to yourself?  How far can that blah blah blah in your head go?  Do we take it from morning all the way to evening and then how big is it?

If i am to help my children not listen to anything but what God intends us to listen too (and me of course haha) Dont i need to control that big mouth in my head?

The judgmental, assumption toting banter  are easier to believe when said to us.  The kind things, the pure and honest banter when said to us.....thats the work we need to do.  Believe that.  I believe i deserve every bit of happiness I am blessed with and I believe i have worked my scrawny bony ass off for it.  So there brain chatter!  Take that.

DIY Woman/Momma

I am a DIY (do it yourself) woman.  Not by choice.  By choice, i am a lazy delegator.  My life has shown me however (due to my own inability to accept help...yes i said it) it is just better to do it myself.  If i want it done right, i do it myself.  if i want it done in a timely manner i do it myself and if i want it done to my satisfaction, i do it myself.

My children, are my responsiblity.  From birth (or conception if your my oldest daughter) i have known that when the dr's said "you have a girl/boy" he really meant "you" meaning me.  Dont misunderstand me.  Their dad loves them dearly.  They have a wonderful step mom and they even took over for a few years when my bad choice led to them needing to be away from said bad choice for a while.  But all in all, they are my responsibility.  Breast feeding, potty training, teething, doctors, dentists, school, activities, beatings,kissing booboo's, discipline etc etc......all me. The house chores and upkeep of our home and cars, all me.  Their dad worked. He provided an income in a job that was demanding physically and he excelled at it, to provide me the ability to raise them, alone.   (this lead to our demise by the way, but works beautifully in his new marriage.)  Helps when you have the same belief's.  We did not.  My second husband well.....took care of himself and not always well (in his defense, he told me that he was first always. sadly i didnt really think he was serious, he was.)  Thats enough there. 

 Again, they were always my job.  MOM - full time all day, every day.  I took it on and i took it on well.  I also had a full time business that i owned.  This lead to more and more and more and more.  I surrounded myself with healed, strong women/men who became my support group/cheer leaders.  I was a DIY woman.  My Son refer's to it now as "momma, your a control FREAK".
I say to those that criticize the trait.  Who was going to do it for me?  In some cases, those that were most critical, never offered assistance?  So....control freak or not.  Here i am. 

Here i am with another control freak/DIY man.  What the hell???  They make those?  I have heard of these creatures but i had never seen one.  They do not have eyes in the middle of their heads.  They dont even have halo's.  They walk the earth just like us.  Its true!!!  Oh they arent perfect.  (either are we, shhhh dont tell) but they do what they say and say what they mean.  That picture up there is my new stove top.  My old one met its maker a week or so ago.  Funeral details to follow.  Anyway, not only did this strange creature of a man go get it, bring it home but he put it in the same day.  YES......you read right.  The same day.  THEN.........he cleaned up the mess.  (moment of silence here ............) I personally had only witnessed this one other time in my life and as usual the gift came from a woman.  So i say again....he cleaned up the mess!

He also helps without being asked with these teenagers that are not his and not always nice.  He has taken the love of my tootie to levels i only watched in my dad.  He owns his temper and is doing everything in his power to help my oldest twinkie with hers.  
Its a family.  There are two adults and i am no longer a DIY woman.  (do not insert the country lyrics to Stand by your man here please)  What i am is grateful for that damn stove top.  I guess he didnt break it due to bad cooking on purpose.

So ladies and daughters and even some of you men.  Take note......wait for him or her.  Maybe you need to be Him or her.  Whatever the situation....make the change.  (crapp now i hear michael jackson's man in the mirror)  

It is sooo worth it the wait!!

Self control/ emotions vs Me

When someone else's actions or statements threathen to pull me into a bad place, i have a choice.  i do. It may not feel like it.  in fact, it may feel like i am a slave to my feelings - but im not.  Remember, feelings are indicators, not dictators or so i read.   They can indicate there is a situation i need to deal with, but they shouldnt dictate how i react. My emotions, sometimes i refer to them as my other personalities are strong creatures but... i have a choice. My choice is whether or not to give the other person the power to control my emotions.  the one that holds their tounge is the one who hold the power.  When i react by yelling, flying off the handle, or making a snappy comment, i basically transfer my power to the other person or my other personality so to speak.  ( i am not made up of a mental disorder nor am i making light of such pain in others.  Simply that i wear so many hats very proudly but they are strong arent they?)  when i am void of power i am void of self control.   When i say my power i am not speaking of something i conjured up myself. 

 - Unglued vs Boundaries - You choose which book or audio.  I surround myself with christian motivation and christian rock music. It is not all that i read or all that i listen too but when i need it, when im fighting me.. it is what i choose as my weapons, sometimes against myself (im not as nice as i used to be ya know).  I am not what you would call a holy roller.  I am not even a weekly church attendant.  Im insane busy!  But i love music and i love to read, why not use those passions for what gives back to me?  God!!  He even has a sense of humor that i witness daily, ugh.   Regardless... its all an ongoing lesson for me.

I mean the power i have witnessed, felt and worked so very hard to give over to God and allow Him to work in me. Swallowing both Pride and accepting humble need. (this can be a painful and hysterical battle in the shower)  I know, i know every one has bad days, moments after all we are human.  i know.  This weekend was a roller coaster.... unlike some i have boarded willingly mind you before.  Emotions "Amuck" !!  sad, angry, shocked, sympathy, love, happy, you name it.

 I am so pleased to say i work on my self control like i breathe.  Everyone has weaknesses.  Mine are my kids.  Hurt my kids and i dont think before i speak.  Before i react vs reply. My claws come out and i put them in front of all thought process, even at my loss.  They come first.  No one is allowed to hurt them.....but we as parents do, dont we?  All we want to do is mold, help, nurture, hold on tight and then poof*, when we arent watching that one second we do something that well might be emotional and then...... we realize it is just another thing to work on.  But dont anyone else dare, right!!  oh......the joys of parenthood and emotions.  

 So yes God, I hear you loud and clear and i see where i need work and thank you for the reminder via a sudden and tragic death, concern and worry for a deploying soldier, an unexpected and over due homecoming and, and, and, and, oh AND.

Self control and ME - The saga continue's.

This like others is an OLD journal entry i reflect on monthly, daily sometimes just weekly.  As i am reminded in my oldest daughter as recently as last night.  She is not her emotions, they do not own her and words are weapons. I can not eat my young!!! They have to grow so they can reflect.......on just how Great things are going to get on their roller coaster through self control, humor, love and GRACE!

Those first 40 years, we never listen...

i repeat:  I love being in my 40's.  i watch these young women/men making "choices".  (then lawdy ... posting those choices for all to judge...because thats what we do. Our co workers both present and future if they hire you, grandmothers, friends and their familys etc....on social networks) Experience both good and bad make us who we are and Grace... blesses us with the ability to continue. Having been my own worst enemy for years, i pray and send witchy twitches that you will all be able to gain strength from your first 40 years because you are the only one that can own those years. oh sure, you can blame everyone else and you might even believe that bs... but one day in the future you will look in a mirror and say (where no one can hear you of course) "i did that?" or "wow, i actually did that!" Remember.....you are the only one that can teach the next group of youth. They watch, they remember and mom and dad wont always be here. As a matter of fact we wont.  we will pass. no getting around it.  some of us young and some of us maybe very old but eventually, You will be alone at some point or parentless as i say.  so... surround yourself with strong people. pick them wisely and Pray... pray every day all day.  For He will never forsake you and you NEED to believe in something other than yourself.  I know, you dont think you do..but you do!

 My dad used to say "if you can count 5 friends on one hand on your death bed, you have had a good life"  and "if you want to see me, come see me now.  Dont wait till im dead, no use in it"

 Be strong , be wise and think..for more than 24 hours then and only then act.  Dont participate in every argument and chose your words wisely as they can not be taken back or forgotten.  make mistakes once, try not to repeat them as there are many to make and then forgive yourself.

Girls, dont cry over a man and men dont make her cry. Make each other laugh!! Laugh all the time.  when its all said and done, holding hands and giggling might be all you have left with each other in your diapers waiting on those ungreatful children to visit haha.   Babies understand....no one can make you happy.  if you are not happy already, that boy or girl cant "fix" you.  Only you can.  Be happy alone and in alone find happy.  Then seek your spouse/partner through God.  He wont steer you wrong.  Build your lives with Him as the center.  I have tried to leave Him out of it.....it does not work.  It does not require you to be a Holy Roller LOL.  just have that conviction and stick to it.  Build your boundaries and respect them,  then and only then will others.

 Mostly:  dont lie...not to others and then not to yourself. Then dont forget.  always forgive as it will only hurt you.  Never forget. It will protect you.  Mean what you say and say what you mean.  Your character is who you are and when that character is flawed only you can fix it and the people that depend on your word/character will need you too.  I love being in my 40's.  Im done and exactly where i want/should be.  I never listened to others until it was too late of course and neither will all of you.  so here it is in writing.  this way you can re read it later.  God gave us two ears and one mouth....Listen.  just listen.....and BREATHE.............. 

ps.  i journaled this a years ago (45 now) and i then posted it in a social network, just last year.  I obviously preach most of this a lot because a few days ago i heard my son say "momma, i do everything the hard way but im learning i dont have too, relax"  and my oldest daughter say " momma, just breathe for 24 hours, dang!"    doing a small and quiet toyota momma jump, yeah me. That deserves a shot of Baileys in my coffee, right?  

No matter what

It is no secret that i believe that God made women the stronger sex.  Why else would He equip us with the gift of child rearing?  I say child rearing and not child birth because there are mom's out there that were given the gift of a child through someone else's gift of birth.  (but were unable to care for the child)  I was told at a young age i may not be able to have children.  Once again, God's sense of humor was in my life.  Not only could i have children but i could have three of the most beautiful, stubborn , strong willed creatures alive today.  To be able to raise a child ... and not kill it is only a woman's gift.  Look at some animals?  They eat their young.  This is frowned upon in all rights among most, so i deduce God made us the stronger sex.  
 My Memom told me at a very young age: "Mimi, you will fall in mud and come up smelling of roses" or as i like to think she meant; i will do everything the hardest damn way and survive it.  Strength will choose me.  Which meant  with age, learn and grow from every mistake.   Strong willed is no stranger to me.  So of course i have three strong willed children.  I have no doubt i will also have a strong willed grand daughter as she is showing signs of it already in her "NO! and STOP IT!"
 Be careful what you wish and pray so very hard for.  God will always hear our prayers.  What we receive may be extactly what we prayed for.  I wanted children.  I wanted a mess of them and i wanted a family, not just a family but a "no matter what family".  The I love you No matter what Family to me meant just that.  No matter what you do, where you go, how you get there and when you return; i love you no matter what.  I was taught that and i wanted to give it back so badly.  I had the gift of a few that i pushed and pushed and damned if they never quit on me.  So i prayed and prayed.  Well, i got a mess of them in three.  I ended up with  them alone and i learned the hardest way i could how to be good at them.  I have of course done all i can to mess them up and in spite of me, they too will had strength choose them.  My girls more than my son but he has shown signs of strength when i was scared most.  So there is proof that he too will survive his childhood.

I mentioned my grand daughter and prayers earlier; Gods sense of humor once again.  I know already i will not live to be an old woman.  This doesnt bother me.  There are great things waiting for me in Heaven and i do not have any fear of death.  I started praying years ago that i may live long enough to see a grandchild born and grow. That i would have a place for him/her in my home.  Be the Mimi i was given in a Memom as a child.   I learned obviously He listens, He gave me children didnt he?  So why not just ask?   Here you have just another prayer answered through comedy of the heavens.  I became a "mimi" (as i was already one this wasnt a huge jump..dont judge the name, i was selfish child) at 43 year old.  My son became a father at 17.  I watched him not only become a father but embrace this child like no man i have ever seen in my lifetime.  A man and a baby do no mix much in my eyes.  My son however is a natural.  This passed with immaturity and fear of responsibility over the next year but ...   he is slowly returning with maturaity and balance or maybe just fear that i might actually kill him, i dont know for sure.  Here once again, God said "ok Michelle, you prayed i granted". (BUT you will start early i guess??? ugh, He is so funny)  Again, Strength found me.

I prayed for years and years for a "no matter what" family.  Well i didnt pray to be in it alone.  I didnt believe in Cinderella , the girl had zero taste in shoes..glass?  Seriously? I also wasnt a fan of  Ken, Barbie honestly marries a plastic surgeon girls.  Really...  
This may come as a shock to most of you but i am a bit of a handful, not easy to love and there is that complicated strong will.  I just dont get it.  I sound like a jewel, right?  
Needless to say two marraiges, a failed long term relationship and through losing my very best friend (who could only be a man), i have my partner in crime finally.  God's sense of humor.  I had to lose it all.  No, really..i lost everything and when i stood up my partner in life, the person that is  capable of loving me no matter, what was around the corner (quite literally) most of my life and BONUS had another child for me to love.  Gods sense of humor and strength found me.

I do believe woman are the stronger sex.  I also believe we dont always choose strength.  Most times through Grace, Strength just chooses us.  Im stubborn enough to fall, but thanks to Grace; i am not stupid enough not to hold on to my strength when it chose me.  

I have my No matter what life and damn if it isnt a comedy of errors and chaos.  You can be very sure my prayers are much more clear and i listen all the time though i dont show it much...  Like my children are to me.  I am always His work in progress embraced by His sense of continuous humor.  

Stay tuned...Lots of changes in this home are coming and these times always prove to be a challenge.  I am very sure though.......We will survive it together, NO MATTER WHAT.

People, Places and Things

"Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future"- Deepok Chopra

One can remove themselves from people, places and things that they know create an evironment that is not where or who they should be around.  Its called growing up, learning who we are, what we want and who we want to become.  But can we then make that next step?  Be the pioneer so to speak.  Break cycles that we didnt ask to be in but were born or raised in. Create new habits, new healthy environments because no matter how hard we try, how hard we fight it.......Life happens.

 I miss those that chose to not participate or simply couldnt. I choose to keep my people, places and things healthy, loving, open minded and yes, my boundaries held tight.  But i choose to keep trying.......that windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror.  my future, my families future will succeed.  My grandchildren will be my legacy to that, i pray i get to meet them all.

 Cycles can break and i dont have to run from it to achieve it, stay in or react badly to a situation in order to solve it...  that lesson, brought me here, cost me dearly and is very much appreciated to those that didnt or couldnt stay to see it.  #grace and forgiveness

Say what you mean, mean what you say

"im sorry" is a statement. "i wont do it again" is a promise. "How can i make it up to you?" is a responsibility

I am quick to forgive as i am human and have a mess behind me, so who am i to not give forgiveness (all but one person, im still praying on that one for 31 years now) Jesus turned that cheek for "me" after all.  I have no right to withhold what He gave me freely.  But here's what i say:  that promise that follows..the responsibility you give me..thats where few follow through.  Im sorry is easy.  Change.......in my lifetime, almost impossible to give me.  I have been told my expectation level is too high.  I say, yours is too low. I dont expect what i wont give. What do you tolerate?

So i say again yes, i forgive you all day every day. Do i expect you to change?  Nope.  show me.  say what you mean and mean what you say.  I have drudged through  my mud and hurt others, made my apologies and lost people i love dearly due to actions made by a me.  I changed.  it hurts and its hard.  it requires discipline but it can be done.  thats my Grace.. 

predictable poor behavior

Dont you just hate that some people are predictable?  Accountable, dependable are great qualities but predictable? i dont know.  I do like that with age the quality becomes less drama filled.  When one chooses to react vs respond based on emotion i find that quality to be unattractive.  I look at some people in my life and realize this is the very reason we are no long in each others life.  Either because of my predictability or eventually theirs.  Maybe it falls under that old definition of insanity?  Maybe it just falls into my dependable reason for happy hour and a sense of humor... 

Be who you are

Wouldn't it be nice if the words we preach as parents as our children push their boundaries and start venturing out and then driving and making grown up decisions ( one with a child of his own ) would listen to the words we throw at them as they grow?  " Be nice, use your manners, watch your words, dont drink, dont smoke, dont drive over the speed limit" and on and on...basically: Remember who you are! You are my child. always my baby no matter your age.  A blessing that only God could have given to me and your actions reflect your beautiful soul.  Just simply..Remember who you are.   Once again i am reminded.  Michelle, remember who You are.  A momma that has children watching her.  Do as you preach.  

worry withers the woman and musses the wig

Like my Heavenly Father, i wish to fix everything so that everyone is happy. He knows everything is as it should be and i need to just inhale, exhale...repeat.  So i tell my family..inhale,exhale...repeat.  Breathe!

  At 45 I have made too many mistakes.  Risked too much and obviously played a lot.  I chose to have a 20 year long career that i loved.  Use my time at home to play with my children instead of clean (single moms unite) and live my life to its fullest.  Having accomplished most of that i lost much as well and have slobs for children.  So now....it appears i have been given a second chance at this thing people refer to as family.  Well.....it is the Lords honest truth that in this family my B and i are creating......NORMAL is only a setting on the very very used dryer.  (note to self, remember to look into a new one)
We are a five child, two adult, two dog, one cat, with God directing us at all times home. (two live at home, 3 do not, right now anyway)  All of us complicated in our own right and  stubborn, pig headed, incredibly sassy/charming and independent.  We want it our own way on our own time. WE....belong together, that is obvious to me daily. We were brought together through drama, pain, struggle and strife. We have and are healing, learning, facing life together head on.  What a blessing i have been given. What an opportunity, ugh..........then why am i tired?  I love all these people more than anything.  I would take a bullet for any of them (would that get me a day or two rest in the hospital? ....no no no of course i dont mean that) My sweet sweet beautiful loves.

We have two kids in college.  One who has a daughter of his own.  He is stubborn, pig headed and does things at his own pace mostly at the cost of us financially.  The other oldest is also in college.  To look at her, she is practically perfect in every way.  The judgement she owns is a family trait and along with stubborn beauty comes a brilliant and strong woman in the making, if we can get her to loosen up earlier than her daddy did.  (im smiling as i type considering those two college students are SO ours...ugh the mothers curse)
The two younger teenage twinkies live with us.  15 months apart and a min from being our greatest accomplishments or our death.  One that will learn self control and own her emotions thus taking over the world as one of strongest woman to walk the earth or be her own worst enemy for the next 20 years until like her momma.....she realizes "im doing this wrong".  The other is our thinker.  She is a homebody hermit that loves her movies and music.  She watches.......she listens and she is like the others in this family stubborn.  A classical beauty within her own skin unlike her siblings who walk in a room and take over, she walks in and does not notice the eyes on her.  The eyes on her don't notice her taking it all in only to sum them all up with a word later that will probably be "boring momma or idiots!!!"  haha.  She is a pistol as my grandaddy used to say.  (what does that mean?)

Then there is our tootie.  2 1/2 years old and her mothers greatest tool.  I remember 19 years old.  You could not pay me to be 19 again.  No, really....  All that emotion and manipulation then add a child.  This is a storm in the making and i pray when it begins to rain our tootie is not caught in the twister of her parents clouds.  But.......we create our own drama and we drag our children through it, dont we?

I believe that old saying with all my heart.  " Childhood is what we spend our entire adult life recovering from " - Hope Floats

My first 40 years have been the hardest.  Now....i have what i want, need and love.  How do i care for all of them, myself and succeed?  This is where you enter my life.  I say Laughter, some witch-full wishes and mostly prayer.  You will catch me saying to myself and sometimes out loud  "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!!!" why you ask?  Because i am outnumbered and will not loose.  He brought me to this, He will bring me through this.  My worry is His.  

Security is a must in my life for me to feel good.  I am feeling uneasy with my new job, I really am relearning the work force at this angle. I have always been self employed and working for others is interesting and less stressful.  I work with great people yet still cant seem to feel secure.  Then there is my sons ability to prioritize his daughter and balance his education and finances, my B's ability help me help my oldest daughters emotions while learning his own (in a home that will NEVER be to his liking... clean again) and missing his stubborn (like him) oldest daughter who has been Forced to share her daddy now as she once was an only child (for 18 years).  My Tootie not coming home enough and having that balance of personalities in her life because her parents are still children.  I never get everything done.  What used to be "Why cant you wear two socks that match???" to my daughters has now become "just put socks on and get in the truck!" or knowing B loves my truck clean and its this little thing i can do to make him happy to telling him "its a truck and do you want clean underwear or a clean truck!"   This by the way always send me to "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!"  and......it works.   Mix my prayers with a glass of wine and some hugs from my family and anything is possible.  I know that, you know that...God is in charge.  Yet, here i sit.  Praying and drinking my coffee full of worry for another day that will of course never go the way we plan it.  Then there are the few questions of a personal nature in the back of my head (momma's dont get personal time...where would you fit it in??  i go to the gym, isnt that enough? i enjoy that..well, i try most of the time as that is where i spend time with Jesus and sort through my purekaoz) Will i get a shower today? When was the last time i washed my hair?  Do we have enough milk? whats going to be for dinner? Will i ever get my wig done again? What IS that smell? and seriously,  What in the hell is a triglyceride????