At 45 I have made too many mistakes. Risked too much and obviously played a lot. I chose to have a 20 year long career that i loved. Use my time at home to play with my children instead of clean (single moms unite) and live my life to its fullest. Having accomplished most of that i lost much as well and have slobs for children. So now....it appears i have been given a second chance at this thing people refer to as family. Well.....it is the Lords honest truth that in this family my B and i are creating......NORMAL is only a setting on the very very used dryer. (note to self, remember to look into a new one)
We are a five child, two adult, two dog, one cat, with God directing us at all times home. (two live at home, 3 do not, right now anyway) All of us complicated in our own right and stubborn, pig headed, incredibly sassy/charming and independent. We want it our own way on our own time. WE....belong together, that is obvious to me daily. We were brought together through drama, pain, struggle and strife. We have and are healing, learning, facing life together head on. What a blessing i have been given. What an opportunity, ugh..........then why am i tired? I love all these people more than anything. I would take a bullet for any of them (would that get me a day or two rest in the hospital? ....no no no of course i dont mean that) My sweet sweet beautiful loves.
We have two kids in college. One who has a daughter of his own. He is stubborn, pig headed and does things at his own pace mostly at the cost of us financially. The other oldest is also in college. To look at her, she is practically perfect in every way. The judgement she owns is a family trait and along with stubborn beauty comes a brilliant and strong woman in the making, if we can get her to loosen up earlier than her daddy did. (im smiling as i type considering those two college students are SO ours...ugh the mothers curse)
The two younger teenage twinkies live with us. 15 months apart and a min from being our greatest accomplishments or our death. One that will learn self control and own her emotions thus taking over the world as one of strongest woman to walk the earth or be her own worst enemy for the next 20 years until like her momma.....she realizes "im doing this wrong". The other is our thinker. She is a homebody hermit that loves her movies and music. She watches.......she listens and she is like the others in this family stubborn. A classical beauty within her own skin unlike her siblings who walk in a room and take over, she walks in and does not notice the eyes on her. The eyes on her don't notice her taking it all in only to sum them all up with a word later that will probably be "boring momma or idiots!!!" haha. She is a pistol as my grandaddy used to say. (what does that mean?)
Then there is our tootie. 2 1/2 years old and her mothers greatest tool. I remember 19 years old. You could not pay me to be 19 again. No, really.... All that emotion and manipulation then add a child. This is a storm in the making and i pray when it begins to rain our tootie is not caught in the twister of her parents clouds. But.......we create our own drama and we drag our children through it, dont we?
I believe that old saying with all my heart. " Childhood is what we spend our entire adult life recovering from " - Hope Floats
My first 40 years have been the hardest. Now....i have what i want, need and love. How do i care for all of them, myself and succeed? This is where you enter my life. I say Laughter, some witch-full wishes and mostly prayer. You will catch me saying to myself and sometimes out loud "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!!!" why you ask? Because i am outnumbered and will not loose. He brought me to this, He will bring me through this. My worry is His.
Security is a must in my life for me to feel good. I am feeling uneasy with my new job, I really am relearning the work force at this angle. I have always been self employed and working for others is interesting and less stressful. I work with great people yet still cant seem to feel secure. Then there is my sons ability to prioritize his daughter and balance his education and finances, my B's ability help me help my oldest daughters emotions while learning his own (in a home that will NEVER be to his liking... clean again) and missing his stubborn (like him) oldest daughter who has been Forced to share her daddy now as she once was an only child (for 18 years). My Tootie not coming home enough and having that balance of personalities in her life because her parents are still children. I never get everything done. What used to be "Why cant you wear two socks that match???" to my daughters has now become "just put socks on and get in the truck!" or knowing B loves my truck clean and its this little thing i can do to make him happy to telling him "its a truck and do you want clean underwear or a clean truck!" This by the way always send me to "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!" and......it works. Mix my prayers with a glass of wine and some hugs from my family and anything is possible. I know that, you know that...God is in charge. Yet, here i sit. Praying and drinking my coffee full of worry for another day that will of course never go the way we plan it. Then there are the few questions of a personal nature in the back of my head (momma's dont get personal time...where would you fit it in?? i go to the gym, isnt that enough? i enjoy that..well, i try most of the time as that is where i spend time with Jesus and sort through my purekaoz) Will i get a shower today? When was the last time i washed my hair? Do we have enough milk? whats going to be for dinner? Will i ever get my wig done again? What IS that smell? and seriously, What in the hell is a triglyceride????
No comments:
Post a Comment