"....." you know your a parent!

If your child does not acknowledge your a human... you know your a parent

If you can no longer find your floor... you know your a parent

If you're vehicle is now a traveling taxi/closet/fridge...you know your a parent

when you cant remember the last time you slept more than 4 straight hours..you know your a parent

when you look in your wallet and know that you had cash in there...  you know your a parent

when your children dress better than you do.... you know your a parent

if you hear at least once a week "i hate you" or "you just dont understand"... you know your a parent

when NOTHING is the answer to all questions..... you know your a parent

When you realize that raising these children is an endurance contest ... you know your a parent

when you look at your spouse and cant remember the last time you were intimate...  you know your a parent

when eating out doesnt include ketchup or fries and your happy about it... you know your a parent

when you pick up a pacifier, lick it and stick it back in your childs mouth... you know your the parent of more than two kids

when looking forward to being bored is on your bucket list..... you know your a parent.

when you realize nothing in the house is actually yours anymore... you know your a parent

when using all three of their names is required (and a raised eyebrow) ....you know your a parent

when having all of your kids under one roof both scares you and brings you peace... you know your a parent.

when the FBI, CIA and the local authorities have nothing on you out thinking your child...you know your a parent

When the thought of you're child hurt makes you realize jail does not scare you.... you know your a parent

If you have been peed on, pooped on, thrown up on and told NO or WHY? ....  you know your a parent.

When Christmas brings on fear... you know your a parent

When GPS is your best friend because your child would NEVER lie... you know your a parent

when hiding from your children just to be alone is normal.....you know your a parent

when medicating yourself vs medicating your children is ok...you know your a parent

when on an airplane and everyone compliments you on how great and quiet (ty benedryl) your child is.....you know your a parent.

When you realize Zombies are real, they are teenagers... you know your a parent

When you are positive you had cash that morning and you run for milk..no cash....you know your a parent

when you reach across and cut up your spouses meat ... you know your a parent

when social drinking is on your back patio....you know your a parent

When making a decision and your very breath no longer is just for you...you know your a parent

when you cant remember how you ever lived before that alien(s) you now love, prayed for and were blessed with moved into your life...you know your a parent.

i can go on and on....  Im no redneck, but i am and will always be a parent. Even on the days i wish i could eat my young.......its my favorite thing to be.

Winter even in Texas

I just love this time of year.  In my words:  Cover the fluff sweaters, my boots dusted off, winter coat growing on my legs (yes i said it) , favorite jeans,  chili or stews in the crock pot, no more sweating for my love and watching my kids and animals whiskers and hair in the wind.  Even in Texas this is my favorite time of the year!!

The calm before the chemo chaos

RAMBLINGS & BABBLE

This is not our first battle with cancer as a family.  We have three more.  Two still surviving.  One in heaven i know helping us to fight this time once again.  I have always said i have been surrounded by strong, stubborn women my entire life.  The first battle of breast cancer my step mom beat thanks to family and my Dad.  Now.....facing a new cancer i know more than ever my B is in my life for the same reason.  To support me in my support of one strong stubborn woman.  My step mom! Every time i think back and wonder how in the hell did we end up together?  God answers me once again....you are where you are meant to be exactly in the moment you were supposed to be there.  This man was made just for me from Him.  How blessed am i?  Its surreal (sp?)

The last 6-8 weeks have been challenging to say the least, but what is coming......That is what Girl power is.  This week we do not have one Dr. appointment (for donna).   Just a calm week for Donna.  preparing for  the tests to come and then the horrific poison that will enter her in order to rid herself (only to maintain) temporarily of such an ugly cancer.  My gram is still with us and at almost 91 still living at Donna's and has 24 hour care.  I am not working at this time due to kids, donna, gram, moving, etc..... the list never stops.  Who is going to hire someone that say "oh and um, i need off every other week twice a week and anytime someone craps out on her or  my girls"  LOL  um not.

I look at the women that have come and some even gone from my life, then i look at my daughters look at their Nana (donna).  I know, they will also be strong in their convictions.  I watch them help and understand what is going on as they watch..me, her, B and our family come together in what will only end someday sooner than we had hoped.  But...i know the Devine presence here is He has us to come together.

I look at her handle all she is facing.....in awe.  What do i have to complain about?  I could not be more blessed.  Every time i have a shitty day now.  Every time i get down or over whelmed.  Is it relative?  sure.  Are we struggling? Hell yes.  Am i healthy and loved and have my family that now includes that incredible (and also stubborn) man of mine?  Hell yes!  Am i able to somehow so far.....help her after all she has done for me?  Yes.    Devine Presence i thank You so much as i continue to just try....

I say more than ever, make me laugh.  show me a sunrise or sunset.  With every set of tears i make sure they are followed by laughter.  It has too......crying only makes our eyes swollen, nose red and like my Memom said basically look like crap.  Laughter through tears....Prayer through fear.

Yes, this week i will be washing all the big girl panties.  Charging my broom and preparing to defy gravity once again with this woman i love so much.  People ask me constantly.......How do you keep going?  my answer is always the same.  Where is the choice?  That......was taught to me.

I wear a bracelet as several of us do in my family.  It was given to me after my Dad died.  You may recognize its scripture.  "For God so loved  this world that he gave his only begotten Son, that who so ever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." I never take it off, it keeps my Dad and my Father close.  

This too shall pass..............breathe.   inhale......exhale......repeat.  Cherish what surrounds you and dont blink.

Andrea Gibson Mother-Daughter

http://youtu.be/_EQkNiVZ


Amazing how i found this.  Gods hands have found me this morning.  So many feelings about this.  How about you?
Strong, stubborn survivors .......  the women in my family.  The blood that runs through my veins, the woman that God Himself brought to me.  On purpose.

Change - dirty word?

Me and a mess of prayer!  I think back now as i sit and watch this beautiful woman, that never gave up on me and is now fighting so hard again for her life and think wow...How blessed am i that i finally listened? That i finally gave in and sat still?  That i let go and let God?  This is why i have so much to be grateful for? That i wake up and go to sleep with the love of my life. I listen to my girls fight or giggle and that i have a son that will help us help his nana. A gram that is still with us and i love spending time with.  I have gone from a ton of friends to a few perfectly/imperfect  friends and lets not forget that tootie.  If you dont like what you see in the mirror, dont change mirrors.........change you.  If i can do it, so can you. 

I may be exhausted, run down, financially concerned, busier than a one armed paper hanger but happy.......happy i am.  Blessed...... i am.  Worth it........ it is.  

Sara Kaye - Awesome spoken words DAUGHTERS

Moms - Listen to it all!  To our daughters, listen to your moms.  For my bella's.....you bend, you bounce....you will never break.  For my son, i will never let go. So give it up, mine didn't either and some day....you will be glad i pushed and pulled and you will shine as bright as ever.

http://youtu.be/8sSfbQk7DxE

Anger...just a bandaide

I made a poor choice last week, with good intentions. Have you ever done that?  It of course was taken wrong.
This morning, some one reacted to that choice of mine. Instead of just deleting the ugliness I let the devil take over. Today us a difficult day for me. This is no excuse for bad behavior. As I sat in church this morning and once again looked at how far God and I have come...I reflected.  Devil be gone.  I an no longer that person and that life...is gone.  I am blessed.  To that person that showed such rage I say...I'm sorry for that and I will pray for you and I that the anger can be healed. Only with God can mine.
M

life is a battlefield! Arm yourself

" A positive life can not come from negative thoughts "  - Joyce Meyer  Loving my new book.  favorite since Unglued so far this year.  Every family faces strife.  Getting through it together is why God has to be in the center.  I truly believe this.  What if Joseph and Mary had given in to the anger/strife?  Think about it....your pregnant, you didnt cheat and you want me not only believe you but marry you?  Thank God literally they had faith in one another.  My family is made up of some twisted, passionate, strong willed people and beautiful hearts.  With out God in our home.....The devil would have a new play ground, No trespassing evil one.  Our lifeguard walks on water  #blessed

Hair it is - truth and gratitude

I so wish i still had all my equipment but i know i dont need it.  The magic isnt the fancy equipment.  It simply comes down to you and me.

I have had all types in my chair.  The mom, dad, wife, grand parent, husband, mistress, professionals of all breeds, child, teenager, teenagers child, cancer patient, elderly, first haircut, last haircut and yes i have gone to you and painted those nails and fixed that wig even in a coffin.

 No one has ever sat in my chair at a salon or on a stool in my kitchen (in your/my bathroom when the meltdown happens and i get the OMG help phone call before a huge event) by mistake.  hairdresser/friend/therapist.  It never escapes me who God has brought to me and what we learn from each other.  What a gift. I always said i would retire someday and write a book (changing names of course) but im not sure anyone would print it.  hahaha.

 Thank you for 22 years of happiness and your blessings in a career of trust and compassion.  I always said when my babies were little if a normal single mom had to reschedule their work day every day for a week because not one but three kids have chicken pox a corporate boss would have laughed and fired me.  Not this lady, my customers offered wine and zanex.

To the future hairdressers that want to cut those 4.99 wigs and not understand a trim is just a trim; it is boo! scaring the ends and they fall off.  The ones that think oh i will just do what i want and they still have to pay me.  How about the young ones that want to sit on their phone and dont remember your name?  Shame on you!!  That is a person sitting in your chair.  he/she is your bread and butter and needs not only a new do but a friend.  If you are truly paying attention you might even realize that person may actually be there for you.

That is all.  #an old sassy broom riding hairdresser.

Fear & Doubt vs God & a Strong willed woman

I think of my life as a roller coaster.  Some ups some downs but usually very fast and exciting. Lifetime movies would love me.  Ive had it all, done it all and or seen it all.  ( i always hope Meg Ryan or Michelle Pfeifer would play me, would most likely end up whoopie goldberg haha)

 With age i have liked this train analogy much better.  With age i have thought of that light at the end of the tunnel as dimming, going out and even blinking just to throw me off (Gods sense of humor).  The last year has been one of "those" years.  More of the roller coaster kind.  Yet, more blessings than troubles. Many many more.  i know this to be true, even fact.

The last month has tested this knowledge and last week i fear tested my families.  Being a manic, strong willed woman, i tend to allow my fear to react vs. respond.  I come unglued faster and forget who my Rock is and how He found me.  I forget all i have come through and how i got here.  All i see and feel is fear.  Add to that a medical issue and it weakened my spirit and ruined most of my week into the weekend.

Here it is Monday again and i woke with the same fears and pain.  But.....much to the devils dismay, rolled over and grabbed my devotional.  I realized right then i did not read it once last week.  I prayed every day but i did not listen.  I was not still enough to hear Him only my fear.  I was not doing what i know i should.  i was not following my rules.  I allowed fear (the devil in my life by the way....fear and doubt) to make me believe otherwise.

I would not have the blessings i do now had i not created these rules i live by.  The very boundaries that keep me safe in His arms.  So this week i say to fear and doubt...i still hurt physically, im still worried and the issues i need resolved are still not resolved BUT i sacrifice them all to Him. (Leviticus 1:2) I will be still and listen, read and take care of me and my family with the same blind Faith that has given me so much. I will sacrifice all this fear and doubt up to You.  I have been down this tunnel and come out with Him.

So be GONE evil one.  You are not welcome in this home or my heart.  I have already seen it all and i recognize you.  I am responsible for me, my actions and emotions.  This train of love i am on is safe and loved and through the darkness will come the light.  My family, though this side of nuts brings me all the strength i was meant to have.  I am exactly where i should be.  I am blessed even when i dont feel it.  I look at my family.....each of them and remember. How lucky am i to have each of them and their flaws?   For this too shall pass, and this time it will pass with us all together.

I am putting away my pen (control) and remembering......i am not in control.  I am just blessed.

I am not your punching bag, i am your parent.

Can we talk about entitlement?  When did this become a word that went along with disrespect and why is it in my life? Coming out of my children's mouths or any of the children i have help to raise or know me well?

do for me
buy for me
can you do this for me
when will you do this
why cant i do this
its my way or no way
i cant
i dont care
lies, lies

i can go on and on and on.  i realize most of this is normal.  But what if they dont out grow it?  what if..they truly believe i owe it to them?

Ever notice, the more you do for them, the more they expect?
I say notice this:  Do for yourself.  Notice what i do actually do for you.  Mean what you say and say what you mean.  Stand on your own two feet and be proud of yourself and stop caring what others think of you and start caring more what i think of you.  Stop using me as your punching bag.  I stopped being one the second i delivered you or started caring for your child.    Kick somewhere else.  This mom is tired.

This generation needs to learn the manners that they had when they were small, are still a must.  They are not optional.  Put them back on and find the respect for your elders.  You may otherwise find yourself alone and regretting much.  I may start living for me instead of you.  I enjoy caring for you.  You are my job and i take that seriously and with much much love however;
 I am important, not just your parent.

Teachers/parents

I saw this the first time and thought about friends, strangers, customers etc.  But really it starts at home doesnt it?
I have three completely different children.  They look alike, sometimes smell alike and might even use similar gestures but they are so different.  I see me in them a lot.  As a mom i want more.  More from them, for them and of them.  I see their dad as well, even friends i have had in their lives over a span of time and some very recently.  We are all teachers to our children.
 I have allowed people to hurt me, run over me, abuse me verbally and physically over a  span of time. In efforts unknowing to me of "doing the right thing" of course.  In these last 19 years my babies have watched a mom set boundaries and then become TOO stubborn.  They have seen me go from weak to batshit crazy at times.  They have found.....i am human.  I pray they see i am consistent in my love for them.  I wonder though sometimes when i hear how they treat me, or see how they act towards me?  Did they learn that from me?  Because of how i allowed others to treat me or because of how i treat others.
I have two that want more.......always more.  One that barely asks a thing and only wants quiet.  As a child she was the informer. She is my unique love. She doesnt want to be like anyone, she just wants to be someone. The oldest was my rock much to young, i never asked a thing.  He would anticipate it and go above and beyond... and in the end that has made him weak. how is that possible?  I have no doubt he will achieve great things but the pain he will put himself and others through first is hard to watch.  My middle one......my minime.  She is the most passionate.  she FEELS everything.  Then makes sure i FEEL it as well.
If my own children dont understand moms boundaries, how am i assured they set them for others.
I say all the time as it was said to me:  Parenting is an uphill challenge, one i was blessed with and quickly outnumbered by. It is an endurance contest - Bill Cosby & Dad said.
between you and me.......its amazing how much i love these three people, such a blessing all day every day..........and it can be exhausting.  <3

note to self

I believe after years of experience (im old, dont argue with me) that another word for manic is panic.  Panic is based solely on Fear.  Fear is a branch of my tree (or to one of my many personalities) the Devil loves to play.  It can take a part of me over and make things that are very small or sometimes  serious seem overwhelming.  It can make me feel......things that just are not real. They are just feelings.  feelings that the devil is wanting me to respond too..... Reality must be faced but not based on fear or panic.
 So in this last month once again things have changes for i what i would 90% of the time feel like is for the better.  Then that 10% of manic/panic = Fear will kick in and its time to do what i have learned to do over time: wait 24 hours, step back.  pray.  rest. Be still.....only in the stillness can i hear Him and push away that evil manic/panic fear. 
 There is never enough money, never enough time (per my sister). Breathe because.....I have and am surrounded with so much Love. Inhale.......exhale, repeat.   Coming unglued is ok.  Just step back and Be Still Michelle!

note to reader:  For some of you this may sound crazy.  I would be willing to bet, for most of you it might sound like some version of normal.  So, from me to you.  You are not alone.

Broom riding, kitchen dancing momma

I miss going to the gym early in the morning with my coffee (and yes water) and B.  It was a good schedule/routine and stress reliever.  My girls coming home, my son needing help and a tootie far away and then.....alas....broken ribs has kept me away much too long.  I found myself resenting that time.(and embracing the fluff)
 I still get up at 330 or 4 am since thats when the "bull in the china shop" i love dearly wakes up to get his very busy day started.  Now i am making lunches, getting dinner started, doing laundry and trying to keep my blogging going so as to not go all out insane. (partial is acceptable)
So the last few mornings as i listened to my music dreading my SSDD  always filled in some way or another with much negativity (why cant people laugh more or say thank you for petes sake?)...i realized i was dancing and smiling.  Lets look at what i do have.  My music, my coffee, two of my babies home and bonus.....Asleep hence.. quiet, dinner ready when i get home most days (i LOVE my crock pot) and did i mention quiet?  just an hour or more but im dancing and realize i can do some squats right?  hmmm  ok God, i gottcha.
My gym has become my kitchen and laundry room.

Had to add that^^^  how true is that?  Do they hear anything else all day but that?  hahaha unless there is money involved or well, nevermind.  Have a great wed! <3  witch out

mean vs honest

People always confuse Mean with misunderstood or honest.  (ok, sometimes twisted and complicated but thats just lil ole me)  Its called boundaries.  Respect them then.....try and set some.    I like me......do you?  You should.  You only get one shot at this life we are blessed with.  There are no do-overs.  Be mean, be firm and be loving while you teach others.

Mom's - an under rated, all consuming love of a job

I read this with my coffee and didnt know if i should laugh or cry but there is def. an emotion or two attached as i go through daily what i do with my babies and have watched my mom/myself/my sister lose my Memom (her mom) and now watching my step mom let go of her mom.  Its so true.  I look at my 2 1/2 year old Tootiebutt grand baby and listen to her say with her hands on my face "i wuv you mimi" and know in the not so near future it will change.  We as mothers dont do any less, actually some days it feels like more but its those damn hugs, and "momma, i love you" or every now and then... a "thank you..though rare".
Im 45 and have had all of those feelings up there.  I suppose its unavoidable.  Circle of life must endure the pain of growth.  some days it just makes me sad. I love no one like my children.  I just recently told someone if you squeezed me and i were to burst it would simply be the love i have for my babies.  I wonder sometimes if that is why God put my B in my life.  He knew my stubborn, witchy self would never look for anyone, let alone take the time for someone else.  So He threw B in my path and then set a fire under my girls to get us on a date.  Our babies will go away, sometimes for a long time, sometimes for a day.  I suppose we are not meant to be alone forever. B has his growing pains with his beautiful daughter and we love each other at any age.  For that and for them i am grateful and pray each of our babies are blessed with.

p.s.  the share status at the base, it came with the quote.  i dont care what you share.  haha.

Family NMW

My family has many strangers.  Anger, strong will, stubborn to the point of stupidity, some adhd, manic depression, quad polar (yes it is a real.....i love all my personalities), teenage pregnancy, food addictions, drug addictions, drug abuse and now i believe our new guest is OCD. What i believe was misdiagnosed from bipolar, that by the way i believe most people dont even know what  bipolar is.

 Anyway, this family member is not bipolar this new unwanted guest is Tada......OCD, be believe.  It has been ignored for too long and pushed too hard and now it has reared its ugly head.  So to war we go as a family and information i want.
When my Ta was diagnosed with asthma as a child i found out all i could.  When Tj's body grew faster than his heart, again.....i read and found out all i could.  When Faith started showing signs of my darkness or Emma my/and her daddys anger.....once again, i threw my self into finding out all i can to help or direct what/where we go from there.  I am one of those The more information you have the better type of women.  How can you make decisions if you dont know your options.  I am also not a big medication person.  If theres an oil or food or exercise that will help the issue i am going to find it.  (this is where you remember friends.......wine is healthy in moderation)
So i ask you my fellow crazy's.....throw me all you have on OCD.  Im ashamed to say i had no idea it was anything other than a term i used when i wanted to defend the fact that i am a slob. My family is everything to me and though we are all twisted and complicated, we are also a great team! Our NORMAL......works for us.   (just slow learners, some slower than others......but just wait, we dont break)
Thank you in advance for your help and happy saturday <3

My boob..you will always be.

Two years later my broken road is exactly where it should be, i never knew why or who or where.  but i do now.  We fixed each other so many times... Im sorry you couldnt see what you had. I had to come home.  I had to be who i am, Momma. Im blessed you forced me to see what was what in front of my eyes.  (around the corner). This day is no longer yours. its my Ta's...she worked her @ off and made her goal. My babies are with me, my greatest love is there every morning and every night. I deserve happy.  Family/faith....hardest thing ill ever do but i will do it.
  i will miss you forever, you are in my heart forever but ... you quit.  i dont quit.  I will get you to that mountain, some day.  I know your watching.  Enjoy the view.  Its just faith my boob......believing in what you cant see. I wish you could have had that. R.I.P. my stubborn BFF .  Good bye

.http://youtu.be/lZp6pmgbZyU

Emotions be gone.

What a week!  I have felt more emotions this week than i have in years.  Learning to control my emotions is an ongoing battle (from childhood due to manic behavior, abuse, inability to allow others to help etc etc etc etc......LOL) that can only be fought for me anyway, with God as my leader.  This week........they have run amuck.

There are all sorts of reasons we "feel".  Love, hate, anger, happiness, issue's (home, work, cars, errands etc etc etc lol)  that you feel out of control of, maybe something out of sorts that you just cant put you finger on or maybe its just raining?  Regardless, after months of change......i have had a few weeks of "feeling".  Then i took those "feelings" out on someone.  That someone has  forgiven me quickly because well, he i believe knows that those feelings do not define me.

Last night, the end of a wicked week.  I took my daughter and her friend to dinner.  Missing our B and my youngest daughter, i felt "off".  As i sat there i listened to their conversation.  My overly emotional strong daughter explaining how to start controlling emotions in order to use them for herself instead of against others.  she was talking to her friend about something B and i talk to her about!!!  She heard something we said???  Could this be????????
That my friends......was my God saying.  I got this, now go enjoy your weekend.  Stress/feelings be gone.  You are not allowed here, well not today anyway.  <3

Serenity Prayer

Enough said

If you cant fly with the big girls, stay off the broom!

My two favorite tools as a momma are:  My bible and my broom.  They both can be used for almost everything.  No really, think about it.  (yes.....even that, though the bruises should never show.  you know you thought it.  hahaha) I have been a momma for almost 20 years now.  In every aspect of my full time job called motherhood both with and thanks to my poor choices and a very bad person, without them for a short time.  Both tools always come in handy.

Momma's are the most underpaid, over worked people in the world.  We get very little credit, yet our demand is always high.  The trophies and certificates of completion or appreciation do not hang on our walls and most of the time if we are lucky we sleep with the boss.  (who also needs us)  We do not earn sick time and the benefit package bites butt.  I am also learning that the retirement package may not be what it was once cracked up to be.

I never get any rest, Will my house ever be clean again.  Do they have to talk so loud. i cant remember the last time i got a bath, they do have a father, where is he? Will they ever grow up?  Will they remember anything i say?  I want to feel like a woman again.  When do i get a break?   Any of this sound familiar???????  Get over it your a MOM!  If you want some down time no one can create that but YOU.  So shut the pie hole (as my dear friend says ..so gross) and do it.  Then stick to it.    As Willie Wonka say's:  "So much time so little to do...no reverse that."

Learn to say NO, then mean it. Boundaries...they are also multi functional.  They protect and guard you and the person you probably should not  punch in the face.  I have learned through much failure..Boundaries are my friends.  Im not as nice as i used to be ya know.

Our salary is the accomplishments of our babies.  There pictures that hang on our walls, sit on our desk or are in our phones.  Our credit that we so lack we get in a "love you momma" or every blue moon when you ask them to do something, they do it.  Or how about when we hear our words come out of their mouths?  WOW! right?  The benefits package is the strength and endurance not to mention courage our children gain because of something we did right or maybe we did wrong.  That retirement package.....well, im still working on that one.  So far my Tootiebutt (grand daughter) is pretty amazing. The boss i sleep with......still loves me without a bath, grouchy and eats left overs when he hates them.

So i say,  stop whining.  Those babies will be your greatest accomplishments and they are watching you/us.  What are they seeing?

  Kisses and witch twitches xoxo

I love the moon! It never fails me

The moon doesn't have any emotions. It could possibly be the most perfect dependable item ever created...other than coffee of course

Get out of my head!!! Its crowded enough in there

Goal for the week:  Stop the chatter in my head!  1/2 of it is not truth and the other half doesnt matter.  Devil be gone!!! Only good, truth (even painful but pure) and what is real based on faith will be allowed in.  Lets see how this goes.  (so far......ugh but I can do anything i set my mind too with God and this strong willed mouthy family.  prayers prayers prayers)  I will not set myself up for failure.  The bad things repeated to us day in and day out or how about year in and year out? They are easier to believe.
Thank you Unglued...i will not become unglued today! I am no longer self destructive or create the bad things in my life.  Years of hard work to control this mouth, my reactions vs responses (the smart ass..not that is a family trait.  cant fix that.  its all Jim, thank you daddy) and now the chatter is wanting to return?  um NO! Be gone.  Back to some simple questions i ponder when this can happen:
 1. Did someone actually say this thought i am having or am i making assumptions about what they might be THINKING?
 2. Am i immersing myself in truth or what i believe to be true?
 3. Are there situations or relationships (friend or family) that feed my insecurities?
 4. Does the person i am allowing to banter in my head know me? Did i ask for was i asked to process this with them?
 5.  Does it matter????

ex:  I am a bad mom.  I am not learning my job fast enough, i do not keep a clean enough house. i should not allow my children to speak freely.  I should be married.  I dont do enough for my tootie.  I am fat.  I am too opinionated.
Do you do these things to yourself?  How far can that blah blah blah in your head go?  Do we take it from morning all the way to evening and then how big is it?

If i am to help my children not listen to anything but what God intends us to listen too (and me of course haha) Dont i need to control that big mouth in my head?

The judgmental, assumption toting banter  are easier to believe when said to us.  The kind things, the pure and honest banter when said to us.....thats the work we need to do.  Believe that.  I believe i deserve every bit of happiness I am blessed with and I believe i have worked my scrawny bony ass off for it.  So there brain chatter!  Take that.

DIY Woman/Momma

I am a DIY (do it yourself) woman.  Not by choice.  By choice, i am a lazy delegator.  My life has shown me however (due to my own inability to accept help...yes i said it) it is just better to do it myself.  If i want it done right, i do it myself.  if i want it done in a timely manner i do it myself and if i want it done to my satisfaction, i do it myself.

My children, are my responsiblity.  From birth (or conception if your my oldest daughter) i have known that when the dr's said "you have a girl/boy" he really meant "you" meaning me.  Dont misunderstand me.  Their dad loves them dearly.  They have a wonderful step mom and they even took over for a few years when my bad choice led to them needing to be away from said bad choice for a while.  But all in all, they are my responsibility.  Breast feeding, potty training, teething, doctors, dentists, school, activities, beatings,kissing booboo's, discipline etc etc......all me. The house chores and upkeep of our home and cars, all me.  Their dad worked. He provided an income in a job that was demanding physically and he excelled at it, to provide me the ability to raise them, alone.   (this lead to our demise by the way, but works beautifully in his new marriage.)  Helps when you have the same belief's.  We did not.  My second husband well.....took care of himself and not always well (in his defense, he told me that he was first always. sadly i didnt really think he was serious, he was.)  Thats enough there. 

 Again, they were always my job.  MOM - full time all day, every day.  I took it on and i took it on well.  I also had a full time business that i owned.  This lead to more and more and more and more.  I surrounded myself with healed, strong women/men who became my support group/cheer leaders.  I was a DIY woman.  My Son refer's to it now as "momma, your a control FREAK".
I say to those that criticize the trait.  Who was going to do it for me?  In some cases, those that were most critical, never offered assistance?  So....control freak or not.  Here i am. 

Here i am with another control freak/DIY man.  What the hell???  They make those?  I have heard of these creatures but i had never seen one.  They do not have eyes in the middle of their heads.  They dont even have halo's.  They walk the earth just like us.  Its true!!!  Oh they arent perfect.  (either are we, shhhh dont tell) but they do what they say and say what they mean.  That picture up there is my new stove top.  My old one met its maker a week or so ago.  Funeral details to follow.  Anyway, not only did this strange creature of a man go get it, bring it home but he put it in the same day.  YES......you read right.  The same day.  THEN.........he cleaned up the mess.  (moment of silence here ............) I personally had only witnessed this one other time in my life and as usual the gift came from a woman.  So i say again....he cleaned up the mess!

He also helps without being asked with these teenagers that are not his and not always nice.  He has taken the love of my tootie to levels i only watched in my dad.  He owns his temper and is doing everything in his power to help my oldest twinkie with hers.  
Its a family.  There are two adults and i am no longer a DIY woman.  (do not insert the country lyrics to Stand by your man here please)  What i am is grateful for that damn stove top.  I guess he didnt break it due to bad cooking on purpose.

So ladies and daughters and even some of you men.  Take note......wait for him or her.  Maybe you need to be Him or her.  Whatever the situation....make the change.  (crapp now i hear michael jackson's man in the mirror)  

It is sooo worth it the wait!!

Self control/ emotions vs Me

When someone else's actions or statements threathen to pull me into a bad place, i have a choice.  i do. It may not feel like it.  in fact, it may feel like i am a slave to my feelings - but im not.  Remember, feelings are indicators, not dictators or so i read.   They can indicate there is a situation i need to deal with, but they shouldnt dictate how i react. My emotions, sometimes i refer to them as my other personalities are strong creatures but... i have a choice. My choice is whether or not to give the other person the power to control my emotions.  the one that holds their tounge is the one who hold the power.  When i react by yelling, flying off the handle, or making a snappy comment, i basically transfer my power to the other person or my other personality so to speak.  ( i am not made up of a mental disorder nor am i making light of such pain in others.  Simply that i wear so many hats very proudly but they are strong arent they?)  when i am void of power i am void of self control.   When i say my power i am not speaking of something i conjured up myself. 

 - Unglued vs Boundaries - You choose which book or audio.  I surround myself with christian motivation and christian rock music. It is not all that i read or all that i listen too but when i need it, when im fighting me.. it is what i choose as my weapons, sometimes against myself (im not as nice as i used to be ya know).  I am not what you would call a holy roller.  I am not even a weekly church attendant.  Im insane busy!  But i love music and i love to read, why not use those passions for what gives back to me?  God!!  He even has a sense of humor that i witness daily, ugh.   Regardless... its all an ongoing lesson for me.

I mean the power i have witnessed, felt and worked so very hard to give over to God and allow Him to work in me. Swallowing both Pride and accepting humble need. (this can be a painful and hysterical battle in the shower)  I know, i know every one has bad days, moments after all we are human.  i know.  This weekend was a roller coaster.... unlike some i have boarded willingly mind you before.  Emotions "Amuck" !!  sad, angry, shocked, sympathy, love, happy, you name it.

 I am so pleased to say i work on my self control like i breathe.  Everyone has weaknesses.  Mine are my kids.  Hurt my kids and i dont think before i speak.  Before i react vs reply. My claws come out and i put them in front of all thought process, even at my loss.  They come first.  No one is allowed to hurt them.....but we as parents do, dont we?  All we want to do is mold, help, nurture, hold on tight and then poof*, when we arent watching that one second we do something that well might be emotional and then...... we realize it is just another thing to work on.  But dont anyone else dare, right!!  oh......the joys of parenthood and emotions.  

 So yes God, I hear you loud and clear and i see where i need work and thank you for the reminder via a sudden and tragic death, concern and worry for a deploying soldier, an unexpected and over due homecoming and, and, and, and, oh AND.

Self control and ME - The saga continue's.

This like others is an OLD journal entry i reflect on monthly, daily sometimes just weekly.  As i am reminded in my oldest daughter as recently as last night.  She is not her emotions, they do not own her and words are weapons. I can not eat my young!!! They have to grow so they can reflect.......on just how Great things are going to get on their roller coaster through self control, humor, love and GRACE!

Those first 40 years, we never listen...

i repeat:  I love being in my 40's.  i watch these young women/men making "choices".  (then lawdy ... posting those choices for all to judge...because thats what we do. Our co workers both present and future if they hire you, grandmothers, friends and their familys etc....on social networks) Experience both good and bad make us who we are and Grace... blesses us with the ability to continue. Having been my own worst enemy for years, i pray and send witchy twitches that you will all be able to gain strength from your first 40 years because you are the only one that can own those years. oh sure, you can blame everyone else and you might even believe that bs... but one day in the future you will look in a mirror and say (where no one can hear you of course) "i did that?" or "wow, i actually did that!" Remember.....you are the only one that can teach the next group of youth. They watch, they remember and mom and dad wont always be here. As a matter of fact we wont.  we will pass. no getting around it.  some of us young and some of us maybe very old but eventually, You will be alone at some point or parentless as i say.  so... surround yourself with strong people. pick them wisely and Pray... pray every day all day.  For He will never forsake you and you NEED to believe in something other than yourself.  I know, you dont think you do..but you do!

 My dad used to say "if you can count 5 friends on one hand on your death bed, you have had a good life"  and "if you want to see me, come see me now.  Dont wait till im dead, no use in it"

 Be strong , be wise and think..for more than 24 hours then and only then act.  Dont participate in every argument and chose your words wisely as they can not be taken back or forgotten.  make mistakes once, try not to repeat them as there are many to make and then forgive yourself.

Girls, dont cry over a man and men dont make her cry. Make each other laugh!! Laugh all the time.  when its all said and done, holding hands and giggling might be all you have left with each other in your diapers waiting on those ungreatful children to visit haha.   Babies understand....no one can make you happy.  if you are not happy already, that boy or girl cant "fix" you.  Only you can.  Be happy alone and in alone find happy.  Then seek your spouse/partner through God.  He wont steer you wrong.  Build your lives with Him as the center.  I have tried to leave Him out of it.....it does not work.  It does not require you to be a Holy Roller LOL.  just have that conviction and stick to it.  Build your boundaries and respect them,  then and only then will others.

 Mostly:  dont lie...not to others and then not to yourself. Then dont forget.  always forgive as it will only hurt you.  Never forget. It will protect you.  Mean what you say and say what you mean.  Your character is who you are and when that character is flawed only you can fix it and the people that depend on your word/character will need you too.  I love being in my 40's.  Im done and exactly where i want/should be.  I never listened to others until it was too late of course and neither will all of you.  so here it is in writing.  this way you can re read it later.  God gave us two ears and one mouth....Listen.  just listen.....and BREATHE.............. 

ps.  i journaled this a years ago (45 now) and i then posted it in a social network, just last year.  I obviously preach most of this a lot because a few days ago i heard my son say "momma, i do everything the hard way but im learning i dont have too, relax"  and my oldest daughter say " momma, just breathe for 24 hours, dang!"    doing a small and quiet toyota momma jump, yeah me. That deserves a shot of Baileys in my coffee, right?  

No matter what

It is no secret that i believe that God made women the stronger sex.  Why else would He equip us with the gift of child rearing?  I say child rearing and not child birth because there are mom's out there that were given the gift of a child through someone else's gift of birth.  (but were unable to care for the child)  I was told at a young age i may not be able to have children.  Once again, God's sense of humor was in my life.  Not only could i have children but i could have three of the most beautiful, stubborn , strong willed creatures alive today.  To be able to raise a child ... and not kill it is only a woman's gift.  Look at some animals?  They eat their young.  This is frowned upon in all rights among most, so i deduce God made us the stronger sex.  
 My Memom told me at a very young age: "Mimi, you will fall in mud and come up smelling of roses" or as i like to think she meant; i will do everything the hardest damn way and survive it.  Strength will choose me.  Which meant  with age, learn and grow from every mistake.   Strong willed is no stranger to me.  So of course i have three strong willed children.  I have no doubt i will also have a strong willed grand daughter as she is showing signs of it already in her "NO! and STOP IT!"
 Be careful what you wish and pray so very hard for.  God will always hear our prayers.  What we receive may be extactly what we prayed for.  I wanted children.  I wanted a mess of them and i wanted a family, not just a family but a "no matter what family".  The I love you No matter what Family to me meant just that.  No matter what you do, where you go, how you get there and when you return; i love you no matter what.  I was taught that and i wanted to give it back so badly.  I had the gift of a few that i pushed and pushed and damned if they never quit on me.  So i prayed and prayed.  Well, i got a mess of them in three.  I ended up with  them alone and i learned the hardest way i could how to be good at them.  I have of course done all i can to mess them up and in spite of me, they too will had strength choose them.  My girls more than my son but he has shown signs of strength when i was scared most.  So there is proof that he too will survive his childhood.

I mentioned my grand daughter and prayers earlier; Gods sense of humor once again.  I know already i will not live to be an old woman.  This doesnt bother me.  There are great things waiting for me in Heaven and i do not have any fear of death.  I started praying years ago that i may live long enough to see a grandchild born and grow. That i would have a place for him/her in my home.  Be the Mimi i was given in a Memom as a child.   I learned obviously He listens, He gave me children didnt he?  So why not just ask?   Here you have just another prayer answered through comedy of the heavens.  I became a "mimi" (as i was already one this wasnt a huge jump..dont judge the name, i was selfish child) at 43 year old.  My son became a father at 17.  I watched him not only become a father but embrace this child like no man i have ever seen in my lifetime.  A man and a baby do no mix much in my eyes.  My son however is a natural.  This passed with immaturity and fear of responsibility over the next year but ...   he is slowly returning with maturaity and balance or maybe just fear that i might actually kill him, i dont know for sure.  Here once again, God said "ok Michelle, you prayed i granted". (BUT you will start early i guess??? ugh, He is so funny)  Again, Strength found me.

I prayed for years and years for a "no matter what" family.  Well i didnt pray to be in it alone.  I didnt believe in Cinderella , the girl had zero taste in shoes..glass?  Seriously? I also wasnt a fan of  Ken, Barbie honestly marries a plastic surgeon girls.  Really...  
This may come as a shock to most of you but i am a bit of a handful, not easy to love and there is that complicated strong will.  I just dont get it.  I sound like a jewel, right?  
Needless to say two marraiges, a failed long term relationship and through losing my very best friend (who could only be a man), i have my partner in crime finally.  God's sense of humor.  I had to lose it all.  No, really..i lost everything and when i stood up my partner in life, the person that is  capable of loving me no matter, what was around the corner (quite literally) most of my life and BONUS had another child for me to love.  Gods sense of humor and strength found me.

I do believe woman are the stronger sex.  I also believe we dont always choose strength.  Most times through Grace, Strength just chooses us.  Im stubborn enough to fall, but thanks to Grace; i am not stupid enough not to hold on to my strength when it chose me.  

I have my No matter what life and damn if it isnt a comedy of errors and chaos.  You can be very sure my prayers are much more clear and i listen all the time though i dont show it much...  Like my children are to me.  I am always His work in progress embraced by His sense of continuous humor.  

Stay tuned...Lots of changes in this home are coming and these times always prove to be a challenge.  I am very sure though.......We will survive it together, NO MATTER WHAT.

People, Places and Things

"Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future"- Deepok Chopra

One can remove themselves from people, places and things that they know create an evironment that is not where or who they should be around.  Its called growing up, learning who we are, what we want and who we want to become.  But can we then make that next step?  Be the pioneer so to speak.  Break cycles that we didnt ask to be in but were born or raised in. Create new habits, new healthy environments because no matter how hard we try, how hard we fight it.......Life happens.

 I miss those that chose to not participate or simply couldnt. I choose to keep my people, places and things healthy, loving, open minded and yes, my boundaries held tight.  But i choose to keep trying.......that windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror.  my future, my families future will succeed.  My grandchildren will be my legacy to that, i pray i get to meet them all.

 Cycles can break and i dont have to run from it to achieve it, stay in or react badly to a situation in order to solve it...  that lesson, brought me here, cost me dearly and is very much appreciated to those that didnt or couldnt stay to see it.  #grace and forgiveness

Say what you mean, mean what you say

"im sorry" is a statement. "i wont do it again" is a promise. "How can i make it up to you?" is a responsibility

I am quick to forgive as i am human and have a mess behind me, so who am i to not give forgiveness (all but one person, im still praying on that one for 31 years now) Jesus turned that cheek for "me" after all.  I have no right to withhold what He gave me freely.  But here's what i say:  that promise that follows..the responsibility you give me..thats where few follow through.  Im sorry is easy.  Change.......in my lifetime, almost impossible to give me.  I have been told my expectation level is too high.  I say, yours is too low. I dont expect what i wont give. What do you tolerate?

So i say again yes, i forgive you all day every day. Do i expect you to change?  Nope.  show me.  say what you mean and mean what you say.  I have drudged through  my mud and hurt others, made my apologies and lost people i love dearly due to actions made by a me.  I changed.  it hurts and its hard.  it requires discipline but it can be done.  thats my Grace.. 

predictable poor behavior

Dont you just hate that some people are predictable?  Accountable, dependable are great qualities but predictable? i dont know.  I do like that with age the quality becomes less drama filled.  When one chooses to react vs respond based on emotion i find that quality to be unattractive.  I look at some people in my life and realize this is the very reason we are no long in each others life.  Either because of my predictability or eventually theirs.  Maybe it falls under that old definition of insanity?  Maybe it just falls into my dependable reason for happy hour and a sense of humor... 

Be who you are

Wouldn't it be nice if the words we preach as parents as our children push their boundaries and start venturing out and then driving and making grown up decisions ( one with a child of his own ) would listen to the words we throw at them as they grow?  " Be nice, use your manners, watch your words, dont drink, dont smoke, dont drive over the speed limit" and on and on...basically: Remember who you are! You are my child. always my baby no matter your age.  A blessing that only God could have given to me and your actions reflect your beautiful soul.  Just simply..Remember who you are.   Once again i am reminded.  Michelle, remember who You are.  A momma that has children watching her.  Do as you preach.  

worry withers the woman and musses the wig

Like my Heavenly Father, i wish to fix everything so that everyone is happy. He knows everything is as it should be and i need to just inhale, exhale...repeat.  So i tell my family..inhale,exhale...repeat.  Breathe!

  At 45 I have made too many mistakes.  Risked too much and obviously played a lot.  I chose to have a 20 year long career that i loved.  Use my time at home to play with my children instead of clean (single moms unite) and live my life to its fullest.  Having accomplished most of that i lost much as well and have slobs for children.  So now....it appears i have been given a second chance at this thing people refer to as family.  Well.....it is the Lords honest truth that in this family my B and i are creating......NORMAL is only a setting on the very very used dryer.  (note to self, remember to look into a new one)
We are a five child, two adult, two dog, one cat, with God directing us at all times home. (two live at home, 3 do not, right now anyway)  All of us complicated in our own right and  stubborn, pig headed, incredibly sassy/charming and independent.  We want it our own way on our own time. WE....belong together, that is obvious to me daily. We were brought together through drama, pain, struggle and strife. We have and are healing, learning, facing life together head on.  What a blessing i have been given. What an opportunity, ugh..........then why am i tired?  I love all these people more than anything.  I would take a bullet for any of them (would that get me a day or two rest in the hospital? ....no no no of course i dont mean that) My sweet sweet beautiful loves.

We have two kids in college.  One who has a daughter of his own.  He is stubborn, pig headed and does things at his own pace mostly at the cost of us financially.  The other oldest is also in college.  To look at her, she is practically perfect in every way.  The judgement she owns is a family trait and along with stubborn beauty comes a brilliant and strong woman in the making, if we can get her to loosen up earlier than her daddy did.  (im smiling as i type considering those two college students are SO ours...ugh the mothers curse)
The two younger teenage twinkies live with us.  15 months apart and a min from being our greatest accomplishments or our death.  One that will learn self control and own her emotions thus taking over the world as one of strongest woman to walk the earth or be her own worst enemy for the next 20 years until like her momma.....she realizes "im doing this wrong".  The other is our thinker.  She is a homebody hermit that loves her movies and music.  She watches.......she listens and she is like the others in this family stubborn.  A classical beauty within her own skin unlike her siblings who walk in a room and take over, she walks in and does not notice the eyes on her.  The eyes on her don't notice her taking it all in only to sum them all up with a word later that will probably be "boring momma or idiots!!!"  haha.  She is a pistol as my grandaddy used to say.  (what does that mean?)

Then there is our tootie.  2 1/2 years old and her mothers greatest tool.  I remember 19 years old.  You could not pay me to be 19 again.  No, really....  All that emotion and manipulation then add a child.  This is a storm in the making and i pray when it begins to rain our tootie is not caught in the twister of her parents clouds.  But.......we create our own drama and we drag our children through it, dont we?

I believe that old saying with all my heart.  " Childhood is what we spend our entire adult life recovering from " - Hope Floats

My first 40 years have been the hardest.  Now....i have what i want, need and love.  How do i care for all of them, myself and succeed?  This is where you enter my life.  I say Laughter, some witch-full wishes and mostly prayer.  You will catch me saying to myself and sometimes out loud  "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!!!" why you ask?  Because i am outnumbered and will not loose.  He brought me to this, He will bring me through this.  My worry is His.  

Security is a must in my life for me to feel good.  I am feeling uneasy with my new job, I really am relearning the work force at this angle. I have always been self employed and working for others is interesting and less stressful.  I work with great people yet still cant seem to feel secure.  Then there is my sons ability to prioritize his daughter and balance his education and finances, my B's ability help me help my oldest daughters emotions while learning his own (in a home that will NEVER be to his liking... clean again) and missing his stubborn (like him) oldest daughter who has been Forced to share her daddy now as she once was an only child (for 18 years).  My Tootie not coming home enough and having that balance of personalities in her life because her parents are still children.  I never get everything done.  What used to be "Why cant you wear two socks that match???" to my daughters has now become "just put socks on and get in the truck!" or knowing B loves my truck clean and its this little thing i can do to make him happy to telling him "its a truck and do you want clean underwear or a clean truck!"   This by the way always send me to "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!"  and......it works.   Mix my prayers with a glass of wine and some hugs from my family and anything is possible.  I know that, you know that...God is in charge.  Yet, here i sit.  Praying and drinking my coffee full of worry for another day that will of course never go the way we plan it.  Then there are the few questions of a personal nature in the back of my head (momma's dont get personal time...where would you fit it in??  i go to the gym, isnt that enough? i enjoy that..well, i try most of the time as that is where i spend time with Jesus and sort through my purekaoz) Will i get a shower today? When was the last time i washed my hair?  Do we have enough milk? whats going to be for dinner? Will i ever get my wig done again? What IS that smell? and seriously,  What in the hell is a triglyceride????